Queen Allessandra

moving out

2006-03-23T16:03:00.000+07:00

i am a very fickle-minded person and i tend to move around so much.

so. i am leaving blogger and will be in livejournal for the time being. see you guys there.

to fink varna

2006-02-17T14:10:00.000+07:00

nakuha ko 'to sa web. naisip ko, tamang tama para sa iyo. walang source ung article pero di ko 'to inaangkin. feeling ko galing 'to sa peyups. pahiram ha?

*******
Ilang ulit na bang nangyari sa iyo ito? Ngayon ang kasal ng pinsan mo.
Heto ka ang ganda-ganda mo. Naghanda ka talaga dahil minsan-minsan lang ang okasyon sa pamilya nyo. Kadalasan sa mga lamay na lang kayo nagkikita-kita so ngayong kasal ng pinsan mo, gusto mo namang maging maganda at mapansin nila. Aba, napansin ka nga. Ganito ang
tanong ng lahat ng kaanak mo sa iyo..."O ikaw kelan ka ikakasal?" "Uy, ikaw na ang susunod ano?" Parang gusto mo na sa susunod na lamay sila naman ang sabihan mo ng "Ikaw, kelan ka susunod?"

Huwag kang malungkot. Ito gusto nga kitang sumaya kaya sinulat ko ito. Hindi ka dapat malungkot dahil maraming posibleng dahilan bakit hindi ka pakinakasal hanggang ngayon.
Hayaan mo silang mainip sa paghihintay. Basta kung okay ka, okay ka. Hayaan mo tulungan kita
mag-isip kung bakit wala ka pa ring asawa hanggang ngayon. Naisip ko na 'yan eh.

Ito ang sampung dahilan bakit wala pa.

1. Kailangan mong mag-concentrate sa career. Hindi na uso ang mga babaeng pambahay ngayon. Kalimitan meron ng tinatawag na career. Habang hindi ka pa tinatamaan ng palaso ni kupido, hamo na munang mag-concentrate ka sa trabaho mo. Kailangan mong ma-achieve ang
full potential mo bago ka mag-asawa, kasi 'pag nag-asawa ka na, tanggapin na natin, iba na ang
mga prioridad mo sa buhay. Lagi ng mauuna ang pamilya. Habang feel mo pang lumaban ng
lumaban sa rat race at umakyat ng umakyat sa corporate ladder, huwag mong panghinayangan na wala ka pang sariling pamilya.

2. Masyadong mataas ang standards mo. Ibaba mo kasi ng konti, baka naman kahit si Rizal hindi ma-achieve yung standards mo. Tandaan mo, si Rizal kahit na bayani medyo babaero din.
Walang taong perpekto. Kahit naman ikaw di ba? Meron ka ding kapintasan? Baba mo ng konti,
yung makatarungang pamantayan lang. Baka naman naghahanap ka ng Richard Gomez eh Pokwang na Pokwang naman ang dating mo. Lumagay ka lang sa dapat mong kalagyan. Baka
naman naghahanap ka ng kasing yaman ni Zobel eh ikaw naman eh pobre din lang naman. Huwag. Huwag ganoon. Para kang g**o non. Baka naman naghahanap ka ng smart, na gwapong, mayaman. Ate, kung ganon ang hanap mo, malamang tatandang dalaga ka na talaga. Di lahat binibigay ni Lord. Di bale kung salat sa face value, babawi na lang siguro yung sa bait at sa
talino. Kung puro face value naman, at salat sa kaalaman or masama ang ugali, manalig ka na lang na baka pag pinakain mo ng gulay tumalino or ito the best, lahat naman ng tao nagbabago. Pwede pa 'yan bumait.

3. Hindi ka lumalabas ng bahay. O baka lumalabas ka nga ng bahay, sa opisina lang naman ang punta mo. Huwag ganon. Sumama ka sa mga kaibigan mo, mag-mall ka, magsimba ka, mag-outreach program ka. Huwag mong panisin ang sarili mo sa bahay dahil wala talagang makakapansin sas iyo sa bahay. Mag-aral ka ng painting, voice lessons at Yoga. Imaginin mo kung magka-boyfriend ka na Yoga master? or di kaya, chef. O di ba cool 'yun? Magliwaliw ka sa bookstores, sa coffee shops, at kung saan-saan pang mataong lugar. Baka sakali mapansin ka doon.

4. Ba ka naman sobrang tapang mo. Oo nga naman, baka naman sobrang masungit ka at natatakot sa iyo ang mga potential suitors mo. Baka dapat kang maging approachable ng konti. Baka masyadong maangas ang dating mo imbis na matuwa sa iyo matakot. Baka sobrang independent mo, at parang mabubuhay ka ng wala silang lahat. Minsan may epekto rin 'yan. Baka sobrang talino ng dating mo pakiramdam nila mababara lang sila or baka 'pag pinadalhanka ng love letter eh i-edit mo ng red ink pen. Magkunwari ka kayang t**** minsan-minsan, tingin mo?

5. Baka naman kasi losyang ka. Oo nga naman, mag-ayos ka paminsan-minsan kaya lang kung pangit ka, pangit ka talaga. No amount of make up can change that. Pero at least pwede ma-enhance ng konti.

6. Baka naman hinahanapan pa ni Lord ng ribbon ang para sa iyo. Natatandaan ko ang sabi ng kaibigan ko. Blessing daw from the Lord ang mga girlfriends/boyfriends. O eh baka naman hinahanapan pa ni Lord ng magandang ribbon yung regalo mo. Kasi baka daw 'pag hindi maganda ang packaging i-reject mo.

7. Baka naman nagtitipid sa toll fee yung para sa iyo. Malay mo kasi taga-Norte yung para sa iyo eh mahal naman ang toll fee. Baka nagtitipid dumaan sa walang toll kaya medyo natatagalan.

8. Baka naglakad yung para sa iyo. Parating na 'yon kaya lang mahal ang gasolina so naglakad na lang papunta sa iyo. Besides, walking is good for the heart daw. Baka sa kakalakad naligaw na. Ito pa namang mga lalaking ito, hindi magtatanong kung hindi pakiramdam nila naliligaw na sila.

9. Baka naman sadyang torpe lang yung para sa iyo. Baka naman nag-iipon pa ng lakas ng loob o di kaya nag-iisip pa ng magandang tiyempo. Baka talagang hindi lang siya makapag-salita dahil sobrang mahiyain niya. Baka naman dapat makiramdam ka rin ng konti kasi talagang deadma ang dating nito. Baka dapat tinatanong ng unti-unti.

10. Baka naman talagang for single blessedness ka. Ipagdasal mo. Baka naman kasi pinapagod mo ang sarili mong kakaisip bakit you're still single eh hindi naman kasi marriage ang plan ni Lord for you. Paminsan-minsan magtanong ka kasi sa Kanya baka naman ikaw ang naliligaw. Baka naman ikaw ang nagtitipid. Baka naman kasi ikaw ang torpe. Baka naman kasi ikaw ang
problema.

Gasgas man, pero sasabihin ko pa rin. Darating Din Yun. Kung para sa iyo, para sa iyo. Kahit iwasan mo, para talaga sa iyo.

*****
Syempre hindi lahat ng naka lagay sa itaas ay akma sa 'yo. Gusto lang kita patawanin. :D

2006-02-06T10:37:00.000+07:00

warning: this entry is so dramax. you might want to give up reading now.

my mind has been full of cobwebs since last week. i walk and talk like i've been in asylum for months. i have bruised myself twice -- banging in railings and i don't know where else. the cobwebs have piled up i guess. and being away from the people you can actually cry to and pour your heart on are miles away from you is no help at all. and it doesn't fucking help that your boyfriend cuts you in the middle of being emo and tell you it's non sense.

i resorted to being quiet at least. my mind might find comfort in silence. it might be able to strategize well. it might be able to sort things that i usually organize with a pen and a paper.

my articles are put on hold at the moment. i can't find the inspiration to write. good thing i am leaving for pattaya tomorrow. it might be a good respite.

and while in pattaya, i will swing by for an interview in one of the hotels there. i applied for a PR post slash marketing job. this too, is part of the cobwebs constantly bringing my mind in a daze.

i can feel i am floating. and i don't know where i am going. tell me, do i need a therapist? or friends will do?

best news!

2006-01-30T10:30:00.000+07:00

as i was idly going about my daily internet regimen, i received a message in my chikka from my mom.

we are booked in a flight on march 2 going to bangkok. we are flying with michee. flying back to manila on march 9.

this is the best news i've had for days. and they are going to bring cooked adobo and sisig for me! isn't that just adobrable?

i can't wait for march. good thing 3 days are chopped off february. whoever thought putting 28 days in february i will give a big hug and kiss. i think i'm gonna file for a leave when they come over!

the countdown starts today. *put a big smile here*

musings of a petiks employee

2006-01-27T15:33:00.001+07:00

1. Do you like Chinese food?
++ i like it when i need an overload of msg. sometimes i crave for dimsums too!

2. How big is your bed?
++ queen size. big enough for two to wrestle.

3. Is your room clean?
++ it is kept clean by someone. but to me, it is just organized chaos.

4. Laptop or Desktop computer?
++ desktop in the office. laptop at home.

5. Favorite comedian?
++ lots. i'm a sucker for comedy.

6. Do you like yourself?
++ yes. sometimes i do.

7. Does anyone like you?
++ i think my friends like me. there are some maybe who hates me. but who the hell cares?

8.. Sleep with or without clothes on?
++ with.

9. Who sleeps with you every night?
++ ;p

10. Do long distance relationships work?
++ I'd like to believe it does.

11. How many times have you beenpulled over by the police?
++ none yet. but i remember being pulled over by the highway police for turning over multiple cards (but don was driving then).

12. Pancakes or French Toast?
++ pancakes with fruits. yum.

13. Do you like coffee?
++ nope. down with starbucks! but i get to go to buy these horribly marked up coffee when getting together with friends.

14. How do you like your eggs?
++ sunny side up!

15. Do you believe in astrology?
++ there was a time i did. horoscopes made my days then.

16. Last person you talked to on the phone?
++ hmmm... i don't know.

17. Last person on your missed call list?
++ si don.

18. What was the last text message you
received?
++ from kin, some sorta ranting about work.

19. McDonalds or Burger King?
++ i like mcdonald's for their cheeseburgers. and burger king for their onion rings.

20. Number of pillows?
++ 2 pillows. 1 bolster pillow.

21. Last thing you ate?
++ tom yam and fried chicken for lunch.

22. Last thing you bought?
++ books! we went to a second hand bookstore nearby and got a hell lot of books!

23. What are you wearing right now?
++ replay pants and tee

24. Pick a lyric, any lyric or song?
++ and everything is all yellow.

25. What kind of spread do you like on your sandwich?
++ peanut butter, tuna spread

26. Can you play pool?
++ unfortunately, no.

27. Do you know how to swim?
++ yup. learned when i was five. took formal lessons as p.e. in high school.

28. Favorite ice cream flavor?
++ turkish coffee from swensen.

29. Spin the bottle?
++ ?

30. Ever attended a theme party?
++ yup.. fun parties.

31. Ever do a keg[leg] stand?
++ nope

32. Craziest place you've slept after a night of drinking?
++ the bathroom -- was tired puking.

33. What is your favorite season?
++ i like the december-january because of comfortable weather

34. What is the first music video you ever saw?
++ fuck. i don't remember

35. Favorite phrase:
++ carpe diem. seize the day. i did and always will.

36. Where is your favorite saturday hangout?
++ mall. anywhere out.

37. What time did you wake up this morning?
++ 8 am

38. Woke up next to anyone?
++ yes.

39. Best thing about Summer?
++ beach and tan lines

40. Name a couple of favorite colors:
++ red, yellow

41. How old are you?
++ a quarter century old this year

42. What month is your birthday in?
++ september

43. Do you think pirates are cool or overrated?
++ overrated

44. Favorite song?
++ dami eh.

45. What are you doing this week?
++ the week's about to end. chinese new year party maybe. and a weekend out.

faith and things in between

2006-01-10T14:52:00.000+07:00

i am not a very religious person. yes, yes, i went to a catholic school in grade school. i stopped going to church when i had no one to go hear a mass with. i eventually found preparing for sunday mass a drab chore -- dressing up to meet people who, however fabulous you think you are, will still find some flaw with you. either you have grown too much or your gradeschool classmates are far more successful than you are. and what else, the very next day, laman ka ng chismis sa subdivision or sa parish or sa sari-sarili nilang pamilya.

that's why i opt to pray at night before i go to sleep. no, i don't pray the rosary because it makes me sleep. i just talk to god -- thank him, say sorry for the bad things i've done and ask for guidance. i talk to god when the lights are out and everyone seems to be in deep slumber. that is how i express faith.

surprisingly though, i have attended two consecutive sunday service here in bangkok. man, of all places, sa isang buddhist country pa ako nag sisimba. maybe because church very much reminds me of home. it is something very familiar and close to heart. i sing my heart out because everyone else does. i listen to the homily and not yawn in between. i have yet to take a communion because i need to confess first. that will have to follow when i feel like it. and maybe because no one's forcing me to attend mass. i go there because i want to. i go there because i want god to know i am still in.

and i go there because i'm praying for guidance. and for my brother pao to graduate. hee.

my best friend's wedding (literally)

2006-01-09T09:30:00.000+07:00

is it healthy to feel sad when of your bestest best friends is finally walking down the altar and saying her i do? my best friend of many years -- someone who i grew up with and shared the best times with -- is getting married at the end of the month. i oddly feel sad about it when i should really be genuinely happy that she got a second stab at great love after losing her first one (?) to death. eric, one of the greatest love of her life, died just when they were planning to get married as well. i believe she's very happy with her man at the moment because sometime soon, she will start to live "the rest of her life" with him.

i barely know the guy. only met him once -- two christmases ago i guess. god, i can't even remember how he looks like. but i pray to god that he is a good man and the decision for a lifetime commitment is correct to begin with. as another friend (who's also going to be married in february) told me that marriage is a calculated risk we will take (in our own respective time of course).

why am i sad is the question. maybe because i've always seen in my best friend the person which i am not. she is matipid, i am a big spender. she is very very understanding, i am very impatient and stubborn. she is always practical and logical, i am crazy. man, she loves statistics when i barely passed my stat 101 in college! but between these differences, we managed to build a special friendship which nobody understood but us.

it doesn't matter if we don't see each other very much because we understand the lives we are leading. it doesn't matter who we are with at certain times because we are confident that we have each other who truly cares. it doesn't matter how far we've gone in our separate ways because we know in our hearts, we live in parallel universes.

i am afraid i am losing that someone in the process. i know my critic, confidant and companion will now be someone else's. her priorities will be different. her outlook will change along the way. i am afraid i can't keep up with it (man, i don't think i can stand talking about household priorities, making enough money for the family or breast feeding). because for the carefree bird that i am, i will always be flying high above all those typical marriage things.

or maybe, just maybe, i am sad because i can't be her bridesmaid during her most special day.

pahabol para sa article sa baba

2005-12-22T17:04:00.000+07:00

I MISS YOU pa, ma, michee and pao. see you all soon.

miss ko na ang luto ng nanay ko pag linggo at pagsundo sa akin ng tatay ko tuwing uuwi ako galing maynila.

na-mimiss ko na ang mga kwento ni michee lalo na kapag hindi pa ako inaantok. buti na lang may chikka na sya sa office.

na-mimiss ko na mag starbucks kasama si pao. lagi ko pinapagdasal sa dyos at kay big buddha na maka-graduate sya sa march. pag nagka ganun, uuwi ako. :)

the profile of seventh heaven

2005-12-22T15:42:00.000+07:00

i read a similar post in a blog and i thought i'd do it as well. i hope people do not find this as a plagiarized thing because i just thought it would be fun to write about my own family.

my dad -- a man with the fewest words

my dad has always spoken the fewest words (if at all he speaks). he always prefers to be on the listening end and analyzing things. and he may be the best on that side of the fence. but to me, he will always be my savior. i remember when i was in the hospital, almost dying of dengue, my condition would always worsen my dad is not around. my mom thought not to ask my dad to run errands. i think i will always be my daddy's little girl. when i was in second grade, i broke my shoulder and he held me tightly, trying to ease the pain and ease my fears. he was always the protective shield against cruelty and pain. he would pick me up after my varsity practice during high school, or even when i was in college. he is few with words but always wise in making decisions. some says that you marry a man who is very much like your dad. i hope i find one.

my mom -- a cool one

i never had difficulty to go out with friends, or boyfriend (when i had one). i just ask my mom and she'll let me out of the house. she was stricter though when we were in school. always guarding our grades and turning off the TV when it's exams week. and i think her efforts delivered good results. my sister and i graduated from college and my brother is on his last semester (*crosses fingers*) already. i think she has instilled in us good values that made us survive the harshest storm in school. but more importantly, my mother always understands. no matter how stupid our actions were and how stupid we've become because of these actions, she will understand. i've flunked several subjects in college but she never doubted my capabilities. i fumbled in my relationships and she was always willing to listen and until my tears dried. and she always healed our weary souls, whether through good food or long chat, she always loves. and unconditionally at that. she sees in our eyes the very core of our souls. and i don't know if i could ever be like her.

my sister -- my soul sister

michee has been the best chikamate ever. we would always talk about a lot of things -- over breakfast, over sunday mass, during parties, during volleyball games. but our favorite time is during bed time. my dad has always scolded us for staying up so late and giggling over mundane things. we have gone to different high schools, experienced different things and we were always willing to share them with each other. i was depressed then that she wasn't able to make it to the school where i went to but glad that she built her niche in her own school. and i'm glad now that she is making waves on her own. i am proud of her and i will always be her "ate". now that we are a tad older (and hopefully wiser), we still manage to keep tabs about each other's lives. i hope all will be well with her. and she doesn't get sick from now on. she's had enough of that.

my bro -- my favorite bro (as if i have a choice)

i always had a soft spot for my brother. maybe because he is bunso. when we were younger, it was my sister and i's task to fix milk for him before he goes to bed. i loathed the times when it was my turn. but as we grew older, my brother developed into a sweet, caring and protective big brother that he is now. i always thought he could never get out of our shadows but i am happy he did. he is very responsible in a lot of ways. i would never mind being home alone when he is there -- he can always find resources to survive. he is a little rough in the edges but a sensitive young man is screaming inside him. his sensitivity to life's realities sometimes amazes me because at his age, he should still be partying. but i tell you he parties a lot.

******
postscript: this article has sat for the longest time in my drafts. i think that now i am away, it's good to pay tribute to the very reason why i am surviving as an overseas worker :)

bloody hurt

2005-11-23T14:36:00.000+07:00

I AM SORRY.

you know i did not mean to hurt you. and if i did, accept my apologies.

ang bango ng pasko

2005-11-21T09:12:00.000+07:00

the weather in unusually-hot-and-humid bangkok is taking a u-turn this time. freaking cold breeze is blowing everywhere. and it reminds me that christmas is in town already. and it's making me miss home.

but it's ok. i am so looking forward for tonight. my former officemates and i are going to meet up. they are in transit from laos back to manila. we are going to the lumphini night market and i am excited to see them! hope to get some good buys out there.

*****
the fucking mosquitoes are all under this desk. it has been feasting on me since forever. god. i hope they go away.

late afternoon crap

2005-11-18T17:31:00.000+07:00

my brain is frozen at the moment. i just can't conk another article out of this pc and it's frustrating me. i have just been assigned a ton of articles and the juices don't seem to flow. argghh.

*****
it has been raining a lot lately. good to drench the feet and get a good massage after. tee hee. and no need to use the air conditioning. tipid sa kuryente.

*****
money is on its way to my parents' pockets. i am glad.

itchy city

2005-11-17T12:16:00.000+07:00

i am back in bangkok.

i was sent to koh samui last week on assignment to gather stories for the newspaper. the island itself is a beauty. rolling hills, kilometers of white sand, lovely restos, a lot of beautiful people, and warm weather.

but i love it better here in the big smoke. i don't know why. as carrie bradshaw said, this city is my boyfriend. ;p

one of the boys

2005-11-09T09:07:00.000+07:00

i am settling awesomely well here in the office. thanks to my other pinoy officemates who have made the transition easier. i have three other pinoys working here as well. thank god i can speak with someone in the vernacular. funny sometimes that we bash the other people here in tagalog so they wouldn't understand.

but sad to say, they are all boys, men, whatever. and again, i am one of the boys. i have been here awfully a lot in the past. i remember back in college, i would always tambay with my guy blocmates during lull hours in the library or elsewhere. it's sometimes difficult to blend with them since they see things from mars. i miss my girlfriends back home whose thoughts and ideas are parallel to mine. i miss my former officemates who will goof around with me and my wacky zany ideas.

oh. i just miss home probably.

all about food

2005-11-07T15:19:00.000+07:00

quite a number of people have adviced me about how hot and spicy thai food is. i have nothing againts spicy food so i welcomed the idea with a gleeful heart. and last weekend, i had a taste of how spicy is spicy.

i was excited to get off work last saturday. i went to mbk (mall, huge) to have lunch. i was ecstatic to see a gourmet restaurant which offers pizza and pasta. i so love pasta that i spent more than 60 baht for a single serving of a pasta and beef and brocolli. the order took time to come. and it was steaming hot when it was served. to my horror, i saw not just one chili in there but god knows how many. after getting the chilis out of the noodles, and for god's sake, in between the brocolli flower, i tasted the spiciest thing i had -- warmest that could sustain me a lifetime in north and south poles combined. that was all that i ordered. it took me several rounds around one zone of the mall to take my mind off my tounge and lips, which were beet red because of the sheer spice.

and it happened yet again yesterday. it was past 2 pm and i haven't had a parcel of food in my stomach. i did the laundry in the morning and after taking a bath and clearing the place a bit, i realized i was getting hungry. i speedily took the train and went to siam. looked for food and settled for german sausage with a spicy sauce. learning from previous experience, i told the waitress "mai pet" meaning not spicy. they told me, "oh no. not spicy." but alas, it was still spicy.

my tongue has to recover now. give me adobo.

more adventures

2005-11-05T11:12:00.000+07:00

for three consecutive after-work activity, i am going on a shopping spree. but actually, it is not senseless shopping. i went to a local supermart to get the things i need for the apartment. i kept on skipping to buy some things and later on realize i need those. arggghhh..

*****
kayod marino ako sa trabaho kahapon. i went out to do two interviews yesterday. one was in a skin care clinic and the other in a manicure shop. both offered freebies of course. i thought of giving the manager of the skin care clinic a call. i'll have a microdermabrasion one of these days. and one of the sales staff here asked me to write about a dinner cruise. he's going to give me the tickets soon. the perks of working in a magazine. this is heaven:)

*****
after the interviews yesterday, i decided to drop by the office in the afternoon. that was around 4 already. i saw my editor seated under the mango tree outside the office, armed with his sling bag and all.

khun fil: "ba't bumalik ka pa?"

sandy: "sulatin ko po yung article ko.."

khun fil: "bukas na lang! boundary ka na.."

i am now starting to like the idea of this flexi time. because yesterday, i came home earlier than the rest of bangkok.

*****
----> thai word i learned yesterday, kun phood pasad ang rid dai mai. ----> meaning can you speak english? hahaha.

getting around

2005-11-03T09:11:00.000+07:00

i went house hunting yesterday afternoon. khun fil, my editor, and another officemate helped me find a place near the office. we found a neat apartment, new and fresh, for 3,500 baht a month. that is pretty cheap. and i appreciate how the landlord takes care of the tenants' security. i will be moving in today. maybe after work. i don't know yet.

also yesterday, i rode my first bus ride here ever. my editor and i went to un-not station of bts (much like the MRT stations we have in manila) to change my dollars to baht. i had to take note of the landmarks because i thought of dropping by the mall near the station after work. i had a hard time finding the right bus so i ended up riding a non-aircon bus which for god's sake is so horribly warm. the traffic is as bad as the english of most thais so you can imagine how difficult it is to move around bangkok.

the goods here are really cheap. i scouted for a television set and a dvd player and i can get both at 7,000 baht. really, bangkok is a haven for shophaholics. fortunately, i am not. i can save my money for bigger things which i can send back home.

i just need to get the things i need for my apartment and i am all set to explore more of bangkok. including the streetfood!

finally arrived in the land of smiles

2005-11-02T10:42:00.000+07:00

i sneaked in bangkok when almost half of the world was fast asleep. i arrived here at past 2 in the morning of monday and welcomed by a very (i say very) humid weather outside of the terminal. but it was a welcome respite from the very cold and dry temperature inside the plane.

i was ushered into a taxi and sent off to this neat hotel in sukhumvit and called everything a night. the hotel stay was awesome because the room was upgraded to junior suite and i didn't have to spend a single penny for it. it's a good thing that my editor is going around with me -- we were able to get a sim card which i can use and later today, we are going to go find a house for me. my office is a little far off from "where the action is". if you compare it to manila, we are like in the paranaque area. that is a bit of a taxi fare when i need to go to the downtown bangkok.

this morning, i tried the motorcycle taxi and boy i wished i could arrive alive in the office. i can't speak thai and had the hotel receptionist write in thai script the address of the office. good thing the motorcycle guy knows how to get here and i was able to remember the directions. but boy, i think the motorcycle guy went berserk when he saw traffic jams and went in between large buses after large buses after large buses. i think my hands went white because i held on the safety rails too tightly.

and yes, the adventure begins here.

last of the last

2005-10-28T09:18:00.000+07:00

it's my last day here in the office. i can't help but feel sad.

i have been working here for almost three years -- surviving the stress of the awards season, creating lifelong friendships, stumbling along the way, standing tall after the storms. after the despedida party yesterday, i knew that i have not wasted time. i learned a lot of things, met wonderful people, but more importantly, i managed to be a better employee, citizen and individual.

i received a lot of send off gifts (*wide grin*). but these things i will lose along the way. what i will keep are the memories that will be forever stored in my memory bank. and even if i lose those, i will always be connected in spirit. it'll be my heart which will feel.

emotional

2005-10-26T06:42:00.000+07:00

i woke up to a beautiful morning today because for the first time in one month, i fell into deep slumber last night (thanks to a wonder sleep-inducing drug i took yesterday). morning rays were beaming brightly at me, as if making its way through the shut window blinds. i leisurely took a bath, half asleep and half awake. my sister knocked because she needed socks to go with her jeans. while i was getting dressed, my sister handed me her send off gift and a card for me and my parents. she also gave me some errands to do while she is away and while i am still around. while she was about to leave, she gave me this tight hug that i would not exchange for anything today. i planted a kiss on her cheek, as if saying my sincerest goodbye. i might not be able to see her again before i leave on monday because she is going on a trip to Batanes and the travel back is not very certain at the moment. i did not show her tears flowed when she closed the door. and deep in my heart, i knew she was crying too.

my low emotional quotient self forced me to open my card and read it. i was, of course, hesitating to do that because i knew i would cry a bucketful of tears. and i did. michee is one of the people i love most. she is not just a sister to me because i know even in my silence, she shares with me my triumphs, cries with me during the most painful experiences, and holds ground when everything seems to fall.

i never knew goodbyes are this difficult. i always thought i am a toughie. and i know this is just the first of the many goodbyes before i leave. how more difficult could it be?

i am leaving the people who love me and whom i love sincerely to explore the world unknown. i hope that life gives me something that's worth it.

time to party

2005-10-25T07:12:00.000+07:00

the party last saturday surely was a blast.

family and friends came over to party with me. my high school friends were present -- except for dial and jyas who were a bit caught up with work and school. and my friends know how to make me laugh real hard and party would be so dead without them. and of course, there was sherry. i never saw her since junior college and seeing her again was really something meaningful. and of course, joy. i have told everyone time and again that joy is one of the joys in my life. she understands me and everything about my crazy life. she knows what is going on in my head even before i tell her. these friends are the gems in my life that i will always hold near my heart. some friends weren't able to make it, for some reasons. but i wish them all well. and in my sleep, i will tell them i will miss them.

one of my younger cousins gave michee a gift for me. she was shy to even give to me personally. it was in a recycled gift wrapper and sealed with masking tape. not a very good packaging but what was important was what was inside. inside were pictures from way back -- i wasn't even able to remember exactly when the pictures were taken. along with the pictures was a short letter, handwritten by her. she told me she's going to miss me and my ever-present smile. she told me that she will be looking forward to my coming home. she told me she loves me. and after i read the letter, i cried.

i told myself not to cry because i am leaving. but when things like these strike you, the tears just well up and you can't do anything about it. and maybe i know how hard it will be the day i will leave. i would have to say goodbye to my mom, my dad, my siblings. and i guess, that would be the most difficult of goodbyes.

bon voyage allessandra

2005-10-21T06:44:00.000+07:00

i am so excited for the weekend (saturday night is the night!). my family and friends are coming for a send off party and i am sure it is going to be loads of fun. some of my family members i haven't seen for the longest time. maybe the last time i saw them was summer time this year, some even years back. i am also excited to party with my dearest friends from high school and college. those people are the very reason i survived school and failures. and some of my officemates are coming too! *wide grin*

************
note to self: drag your ass to asian hospital for a physical rehab on saturday morning! darn, this leg injury is killing me. i hope i get to do some therapy before i fly to bangkok.

sleepy me

2005-10-19T07:14:00.000+07:00

i haven't had enough sleep since i moved in the condo. the place is just too conducive for chika and much late night talking, bashing, singing and laughing. and i have to wake up darn early to get to mrt on time and not be squished into pieces come rush hour. my eyes are too puffy for concealers. might as well not wear one. pft.

*****
the other day, my officemate aptly put to words my anxiety of going away. at 8 am, she passed by my cubicle and said, "10 days na lang.." fuck. ten days na nga lang.

so-so weekend (or so i thought it was!)

2005-10-17T06:43:00.000+07:00

i was gearing myself up for a so-so weekend. when i got home last saturday (jean and i had to go home late morning of saturday because of "errands" in the condo), i just lounged around the house and slept all afternoon. come night time, i burnt the tube so to speak.

sunday morning, i dragged my brother out of bed to drive for me to look for a resort in pansol for the despedida on saturday. but before the brother's ass got out of bed, i received a text message from don.

don: gising na ikaw?

sandy: oo. bakit?

don: and2 ako sa harap ng bahay nyo.

sandy: wait lang. 5 minutes. *fuck, i haven't even brushed my teeth yet.*

i washed my face, brushed my teeth and let my hair down before i stepped out of our house. and truly, there he was, wearing his usual grin. he parked his car at the other side of the street where the morning rays were at its brightest. he motioned me to come near and i was hesitant because of the heat. but i thought this is not going to take so long and i obliged. he told me he was going to manila to fetch his sister and i said, "ok. ingat." and he left.

few minutes after, my cell beeped again. the message was from him.

don: ganda ng hair mo ah..

sandy: nya. sinuklay ko lang yan.

don: na-in love tuloy ako.

*fuck* 'nuff said.

vengeance is sweet, isn't it?

varna in the big city

2005-10-14T06:52:00.000+07:00

my bestest best friend finally moved in yesterday in the condo and boy her first day was a blast! michee and i initially planned to have a welcome treat for jean but plans didn't push through because michee was so caught up with work yesterday. jean and i decided we will just eat dinner in shangrila and had a fill of yummy yummy pasta in trattoria (with chismis in between).

despite the countless sleepovers in jean's house when we were still teeny boppers, this is actually the first time that jean and i will be living under the same roof. too bad that i am going away soon and the times together will surely be cut off. jean and i have been best friends since our long hair-tretorn-blue skirt, white blouse days. we hit it off like sky rockets, always painting the town red. and i sincerely do love her. she is the strength i need during times of despair, the knife that can cut through my skin without bleeding, the shoulders which is always there when tears start to fall. she is all that to me and much more.

jean is one person i will sorely miss when i move to bangkok.

down and out

2005-10-12T07:44:00.000+07:00

i feel so sleepy today. i went home late yesterday because of bowling. i had a bad game (okay, let's blame it to this recurring injury i sustained from bowling as well). to sum it all, i feel this is not going to be a good day. i think my doctor is going to yell at me for not following her directions. and don is not very happy to know i have this leg injury. taking the mrt (and climbing stairs for god's sake) is terrible.

bad day.

life is not fair

2005-10-10T07:36:00.000+07:00

for the past days, i have been psyching myself up for my upcoming trip (if you can call it a trip). day in, day out, i try to tell myself that i'll be ok living away from the people i hold dearest. i try to savor every moment i can with my siblings, even going to starbucks with my bro at 1 am because he was craving for a frappe. but some people just try to totally steer me away from my focus.

i am dazed. life is not fair.

TGIF

2005-10-07T16:23:00.000+07:00

yey! friday.

un lang. *big smile*

countdown

2005-10-05T14:26:00.000+07:00

i really don't want to count the number of days that i will be spending here in the philippines before i move to bangkok. makes me panic -- what clothes should i bring? how much money do i need? who will get my shoes and sandals when i leave them here? hehehe. makes me sad -- i'll miss the christmas pinoy-style, i'll miss the sand of puerto galera, i'll miss my fabulous friends, i'll miss my super family, i'll miss the condo, i'll miss the polluted manila, i'll miss my pillows, i'll miss practically everything that is my home.

but i'm looking forward to a new life. i'm excited to experience a lot of things that i never know exist. i'd like to see the whole world before me. i'd like to discover a culture that is so unlike mine. i'd love to learn the language. i'd love to travel to places unknown.

this is just so me.

all ok

2005-10-04T07:06:00.000+07:00

yesterday, i was trembling in anxiety the minute before i got up to my boss and tell her i'm quitting. i so love the way she reacted. she was thrilled by the fact that i am going elsewhere and she feels that the world is before me. i also loved the way she saw my saying goodbye and that she saw i am off to a better place.

hours later, i had to talk to the big boss. and she was also happy for me. she thanked me for the things i've brought in the team. and she appreciated the growth i had over the couple of years i stayed here. tears were welling up my eyes. but i know i have to go.

i can feel the intensity here in the office. i can feel some people want me to stay. and that feels flattering most of the time. it's difficult to say goodbye to people you've been friends with, to people who always care about if i have baon or not, to people who touched my life in more ways than one, to people i will always look up to as mentors.

as i have said, there will be no goodbyes.

on a jet plane

2005-09-30T15:01:00.000+07:00

the past days, i have been nothing but tensed, anxious, excited and sleepless. i keep on thinking about the coming days. the haunting thoughts of going away and leaving everything i have here are ghosts that keep coming back. and the ghosts might linger for a while.

the decision is definite. i am leaving for thailand next month.

the other day, i prayed really hard. i asked god to clear the clouds in my head. i prayed for him to give me a sign whether i should go or not. and he gave me exactly what i asked for. the sign i was asking for was a text message from don within this weekend. he hasn't been in touch lately. and yesterday night, he did text me. and my heart was thumping like anything. god must be telling me that this opportunity is too good to pass up.

that sign gave me the needed push. the confidence that everything will be alright. that i am leaving for the right reasons. that i will be happy.

-----

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MICHEE!! I LOVE YOU.

last day

2005-09-29T07:00:00.000+07:00

i was unusually slow this morning -- i used the bathroom 10 minutes more than usual, left the house 20 minutes later than i usually do. i wasn't slow in preparing myself to work, i was just cherishing every moment left for me to stay in my room. i was like a child, clinging on to every good memory there is.

this is my last day in don's sister's house.

the place has been a witness to don and i's relationship. it has heard every joke, every sweet nothings, every song, every giggle, every dream that don and i had shared. and now, i'm going. i'm going to leave behind all these. i'm going to leave a life which has brought so much joy and so much pain. i'm going to move forward to a place farther yet more serene. and i'm going to find myself once again. i'm going to pick up the pieces that is my soul. and this time, there might be no need to weep. no need for arms to embrace me every time i cry. no need for security that is false. no need for love that is inexistent.

but i will not say goodbye. only see you soon.

weekend craze

2005-09-26T11:02:00.000+07:00

last friday, before i went home, i got this message from tintin:

"weekend na naman mare. kamusta ka?"

i told tin i was ok. never mind if i'm going home. never mind if the chances of seeing him (or anyone/anything related to him) are far bigger. i bravely went home that night. i told myself i have to get used to it. or else my parents will miss me a lot.

*******
we are finally moving in sa bahay ni kuya. we found another unit in the same place at a lower cost. after bargaining and all, we decided to get it. now, the hurdle to get over is saying goodbye to don's sister. i am effing to text her but i think it's a bit rude. i figured i will tell her when i get home later. but i doubt that she's there. oh well, bahala na si batman. har.

pinoy big brother

2005-09-22T06:50:00.000+07:00

no, this is not about the show.

michee, jean and i have gone house-hunting last monday. it was both hilarious and frustrating at the same time. we found this really nice condo unit in mandaluyong. you bet, we fell in love with the place the moment we set foot in it. the really bad thing is, it is soooo expensive for the three of us. we badly need housemates to be able to rent the unit. and i am sourcing all possible networks to be able to get a housemate but to no avail. and i am but just frustrated.

my thing here is, i wanna be able to move out of my place now. day by day, i can feel i don't belong there anymore. i have an illusion of distance towards don's sister and in-laws. i can feel the icy stares. illusion or not, i feel a paranoia towards things happening around me. and paranoia is never good.

talking of weird things, in the middle of watching nuts entertainment, a funny show, tears welled up and started flowing. wtf. something came up. i think it was the conversation of jean and my mom that i remembered. maybe i realized how some people love me more than i thought they did. and that some people care for me in the most silent of ways.

i badly need housemates.

happy birthday to me

2005-09-18T15:12:00.000+07:00

it's been a lazy day for me. for some reasons, valid or invalid, i wanted this day to be this way.

i am 24 now. proud to have grown mature and wise over the years. glad to have survived life-threatening experiences, love failures, life harsh realities. hopeful that the coming years will be better. optimistic that i will someday find the happiness and peace of mind.

for now, i'll just enjoy the cake that my mom bought. and the text messages that have poured in since the morning.

happy birthday to me.

bubble burst

2005-09-15T07:34:00.000+07:00

the bubble has disappeared.

i had a hard time sleeping last night. so many things are going on my mind. and before i know it, the tears were just flowing and flowing and flowing. the reality really bites. and bitterly at that. i wished the bubble hadn't burst. at least it's giving me some time to enjoy what life is -- in colors and not in its usual black and white.

they say, don't be up there in the clouds. i say, thank you for putting me back down. i'm here now. and it's damn cold here.

lotsa loving

2005-09-14T09:25:00.000+07:00

i am on a roll now. been quite happy for 48 hours now. and the bubble wouldn't just disappear. at least it's giving me some time to be happy. but as i told many friends, i know where i stand and i promise not to fall (excessively at that) or make mistakes.

one person has been making all these possible. he's been quite consistent about it. which makes me more confident about who he is and how he really feels. i am not making any conclusions at the moment. i'm just enjoying the attention and the sweet things i have longed for. i'm also hoping for the best. this might be the strangest thing i have done so far. and i am loving it.

shannon, you are in a league of your own. lotsa loving dear.

happy

2005-09-12T12:12:00.000+07:00

i have been on a downhill the past months. don and i have broken up and we can't seem to find the right answers to our problems. we said goodbye for good.

yesterday night, i found a reason to be happy. and i could never be more thankful about him. he is not married. he is not old. and he is decent. but he is miles and miles away. he is in tennessee.

as we were trying our darndest to know each other by chat, i found some reason to smile. i prayed yesterday that he is true and that i could explore possibilities of having a relationship with him. he said he'll come over to manila when he gets well. he got into this car accident which badly hurt him. he said he will be well soon.

i read yesterday that it is not time that heals all wounds. it is love. yes, love heals all wounds. so however hurt i still feel now, i know this will be over soon. i'll move on. i'll go elsewhere. with a person who looks inside your heart. someone who wants to go for long walks and hold my hand. someone who wants to sit beside me and watch the moon glow.

thank you shannon for the smile.

as i reminisce

2005-09-10T20:20:00.000+07:00

i was going through my pile of clothes left here in laguna, and desperately praying i could see something decent to wear outdoors. and while doing that, i stumbled upon some old notes and letters and cards. some of them from my friends, some of them letters i wrote but never sent, some of them were from don.

what a good time uh?

i leafed through the card. he gave that to me valentine`s day 2003. i suddenly remembered the very night he slipped that card into my purse. and i literally was aghast to know he gave me a card. it was not just him. he was never good in these kinds of things. and lovingly written was: "thank you for bringing so much joy into my life. thank you for sharing happy times with me. love, papa" and during that very night, we were rolling out of the bed laughing about how embarrassed he was buying that card for me.

i stopped the searching through my closet now. as i might be stumbling upon other things. i don`t want to cry tonight. i`ve had too much things to bear during the days off from work.

-------
sometime last week, i saw this hankie that don gave me last summer. i haven`t seen that hankie for the longest time because i think after i used it, i threw it away, in the rubbles that is my room. and as i was putting in order my clothes from the laundry, the hankie fell.

too much about closets.

recharged but bored me

2005-09-09T17:43:00.000+07:00

i have been on vacation since wednesday, and will still be until monday. quite a welcome treat for a tired body and for the weary soul more importantly. but when you are used to the beating and all, you find yourself actually looking for things to occupy you.

i went home last tuesday night. not home actually. i went to lb. met up with my best friend jean in buendia to have dinner. was actually late for the meeting :) but jean waited for me really really patiently. we went home together and had a really nice chat in the bus. we met up with joy and doc and my brother in lb square. quite a neat place really. small bars and comfy atmosphere. a good place to catch up on your friends` lives and drink some good old san mig lights (in good ol` plastic cups!).

i slept in joy`s place. i missed joy. i miss her now more than ever. she listened to all my sobs and whinings. about don and life in general. she saw don and i since the beginning of "us". she saw all the good times and the bad times. she saw me cry, she saw us fight, she saw us kiss and make up. lotsa times. and now, as the "us" becomes "you" and "me", she is still there. and i am more than glad.

i cried a good deal. thinking about don and my birthday. the combination really is not a good one. it came bring shivers down my spine as well as fear about the next birthdays, the next christmases, next new years, and valentines, and may ones.

i told joy i am afraid to come home. to see don. possibly with another girl. or whatever. just the thought of seeing him makes me really afraid. the thought of bumping into him with one of my walks in the subdivision, the thought of seeing his friends, even his car for god`s sake! i think this is paranoia. i think i`m going crazy again.

but after two days, of just catching up on the movies i haven`t seen, i haven`t chanced upon him, or his friends, or his car. thank you lord. you really are a savior.

hiatus

2005-09-06T06:59:00.000+07:00

i will be on a break this week until early part of next week. time to recharge the batteries. time to cry maybe. time to parteeh.

see you around guys.

heart broken

2005-09-05T07:12:00.000+07:00

weekends never ceased to be a sanctuary for me. it's time off from work and the bruhaha called manila. i always try to go home to the province -- where the air is fresh and the environment much like a family. it almost always revive the energy spent during the previous week. but last weekend was different. i broke my heart. for the nth time.

i was anxious to get home last friday. it was don who would usually pick me from the bus terminal. as i was nearing to get down last friday, my eyes seemed almost to search for his silver toyota revo and for him. i realized it was my dad whom i asked to pick me up and not him. my dad asked me if i wanted to have dinner and i said i just wanted to get home and rest. and during that night, i was restless. i wanted to sleep all my worries and anxiety away but i can't. i cried all night. i cried because i was at home, so near him yet he seemed so far away.

saturday morning, i found some lame excuse to dial his home number and after a few minutes, i heard his familiar low voice. i was shaking. he asked kung kamusta ako. i said i was fine but tired. i can feel his distance. and i knew after a few lines, we had to put the phone down. and how many times should heavens send me a message that don is not mine anymore? as we were about to put the phone down, i waited for his "i love you" but it didn't come. busy tone.

when i think about these things, i ask, does don think about me and my feelings at the moment? does he know i have done a great deal of compromise and cried a bucket for things to work out between us? does he know he meant the world for me?

if somehow you cross paths with him, please tell him so. we might not be crossing paths anymore.

all work and no play

2005-09-01T11:35:00.000+07:00

i feel rather bad today. amidst the heavy workload and tight schedule i have these days, i still find time to feel depressed. and that makes the feeling worse. and to put it into a higher plane, i don't know why i feel bad. i can point to some things, albeit not very clearly. all sorts of things are going on in my world and i can't somehow catch up with it; i can't even associate feelings with the things around me. i pray i would just go numb and all. but i realize i am human. and this is all part of learning, of growing up.

yes, 17 days from now, i would turn a year older and hopefully a lot wiser. i am looking forward to turning 24 and to become more responsible of myself and my future. i was bred to be the "in-charge" of a lot of things. and i think i owe the leader in me to how my parents and teachers have disciplined me in my younger years. i know i haven't achieved a lot (if there is anything really), but i think that there is a lot more to do and i will do it.

with or without a better half.

lucky seven

2005-08-30T07:41:00.000+07:00

some say, number seven is a lucky one. hope this survey gives off positive vibes to my crappy life. har.

Seven things that scare you: (in no particular order)

1. losing my family
2. stupid horror shows which give me bad nightmares.
3. nightmares
4. to be single for the rest of my life
5. yes, getting married to the wrong person and for the wrong reasons
6. losing my focus and purpose in life
7. silence

Seven things you like the most:

1. art
2. good music
3. a good book
4. outdoors
5. volleyball
6. meeting people
7. being with my family and friends

Seven important things in your room:

1. my pillows
2. the TV set
3. my books
4. perfume
5. an old picture of us
6. shoes
7. and me

Seven random facts about you:

1. i like dark chocolate (in whatever shape and size)
2. i don't eat okra
3. i so love my family
4. i cry over stupid soap operas (especially during PMS time)
5. i dream a lot
6. i am really a toughie, but have soft spots too
7. i am determined to be successful

Seven things you plan to do before you die:

1. travel far and wide
2. write poetry
3. paint
4. marry a good person
5. have children
6. grow old gracefully
7. go to church

Seven things you can do:

1. graphic arts
2. compose a good love letter
3. work for 30 hours or so, straight
4. make people laugh
5. take some really good photos
6. maintain a blog
7. dance

Seven things you can't do:

1. whistle
2. write poetry
3. sleep with lights on
4. write/focus in a noisy environment
5. stand stupid people
6. travel as much as i want to
7. play any musical instrument

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex:

1. sense of humor
2. broad shoulders
3. wit
4. if he is into sports
5. if we connect well
6. sincerity
7. x-factor

Seven things you say the most:

1. fucker
2. promise
3. ay kike
4. charing
5. miss you
6. korak
7. steady lang

Seven celeb crushes (local or foreign)

1. russell crowe
2. owen wilson
3. collin farrell
4. spiderman
5. wala na
6. wala na...
7. akong ma-isip

24

2005-08-27T07:09:00.000+07:00

i've been up for more than 24 hours, without sleep, stressed and in the office. i haven't gone home and i can almost smell the musty carpets seeping through my pants.

anyway, when i get home later, i need to bring my clothes to the laundry shop and catch some sleep. tomorrow's a big day. the eye bags should be gone.

stupid love

2005-08-25T14:49:00.000+07:00

even the geniuses can't explain why a heartache is so painful and why breaking up with a person you love shatters everything that is you. and to make matters worse, everytime it happens, the feeling is of the same intensity. we don't get used to it. we don't build immunity against the pain and hurt. or at least for me.

i've had two major heartaches. during my first major heartbreak, i cried for eons of years until the tears dried. i can vividly remember my first christmas without that person. oh boy was it cold. and then the turn of the millenium. there was really nothing to celebrate for during that time. i was sleeping soundly when the whole world was celebrating and merry-making.

and then now. surprisingly, there was no crying. only during times i feel most alone. but i feel sad. maybe don has prepared me for this. he would always tell me that my life would not stop if he's not there. we lived independently. we allowed growth without each other. and we were happy during those times we find time to actually be with each other. the risk of drifting apart ws always present. and we did drift apart. the distance didn't make our hearts grow fonder.

up to this day, i can't explain to my friends why we separated. i can't even tell my family we're not together anymore. because if they ask me why, i wouldn't be able to give a logical answer. and yes, even logic can't explain why these things happen. matters of the heart are left to be explained by our hearts alone.

a brush with death

2005-08-24T06:48:00.000+07:00

today, after almost three years of my battle at the doorstep of death, i can still remember very vividly the coldness of death.

in 2002, i had been diagnosed with dengue fever -- a disease caused by pesky mosquitoes. i can't imagine then that a creature as small as a mosquito can claim your life in a snap of a finger. and it sure can.

i had a sudden onset of fever one ordinary night. i suddenly felt very cold and my mother had to give me the good old tempra to lower down my fever. the very next day, we went to the hospital for a check up because the fever hasn't gone down. the doctors said it may be viral -- although i had to symptoms of viral infection (no colds, no cough). i knew my body too well and thought this isn't a simple fever (lagnat laki others may call). they told us to go back to the hospital if the fever persists after three days.

the next two days were the most horrible times of my life (or i thought they were). the fever wasn't going down at all despite my faithful taking of paracetamols to get rid of the fever. i threw up several times and my tummy ached really bad. i was woozy all the time and can't even stand watching TV. on the third day, the fever was gone. my mom, superstitious and all, got me to take a bath. in the afternoon of the third day, the high fever was back and i was back at the hospital. they had to admit me because my temperature was hitting over 40 degrees already.

i was admitted on a saturday and hospitals in the province don't have laboratories on sundays. i waited to be tested until the following monday. they initially diagnosed it to be typhoid fever. and then when my doctor came, he said i had dengue and at a critical level at that. my platelet count was dropping really fast and on the same night, they had to infuse platelets into my system. i was transferred to the ICU of the hospital for closer monitoring. i wasn't afraid then of dying, mainly because i didn't think i was dying. but i felt close to the coldness of death.

during the night that my platelet count was at the lethal level, i felt very tired. my mom was in the next bed already sleeping -- sleeping her worries about me. i felt bad that my mom hasn't gone home at all. she slept in the hospital. took her baths there. she never left me. and don was there too. he held my hand tightly. he forced me to eat a little of what he brought in the hospital. he combed my hair with his fingers while telling me to hold on. a tear fell down his eyes. and i cried too. i told him to be strong for me. and he told me he was.

i was transferred to st. luke's hospital the following day. i stayed in the ICU for three days and another day in the recovery room. these were horrible days as well. the infusion of platelets were continuing and damn it was painful! they had to take blood from me every four hours and my arm were bruised already. all my family, including the ones in the province, visited me. they were worried that i may not make it. i was very young then. i was 21.

back then, i saw everything important to me flashing like a movie. i thought i was moving already in a different space. and it was cold. but when i opened my eyes, don was there. holding me tightly.

despite of what happened recently, i still thank him. if not hor him, i would have passed on already.

i.am.so.tired

2005-08-22T07:02:00.000+07:00

my weekend schedule has been just horrible.

friday i had to fly to cebu for work. we stayed overnight there and flew to cagayan de oro the next day. goodness gracious it's via asian spirit. and then when we got to cagayan de oro, we took the bus going to iligan and stayed there saturday night. we went home yesterday and i met up with my best friends in makati. too much for a day i guess.

after dinner yesterday, i was fast asleep and didn't mind the text messages that came in during the night. even if God texted me, i wouldn't have read it. my mind was just awfully crowded and all my dreams were about work. even if i tell myself to leave work-related matters in the office, i just can't. arggghhh..

anyway, i had a damn good time with my friends. we had lunch (at 4 pm?) in greenbelt and strolled around makati after.. a good way to cap the horrible flying in and out of places.

i love you guys.

the ring

2005-08-17T06:58:00.000+07:00

today, after almost a year of wearing it (day in, day out), i decided not to wear don and i's promise ring. it feels awkward -- uncomfortable when i find myself actually looking for it in my finger and i feel it is the most natural thing to do. and i prod myself to get over it.

don and i bid farewell last night. for good.

i cried. and slept. hoping that the next days/weeks/months/years would be easy.

that explains why the ring is gone. i feel i should start the healing process, although i know the process is a bitter one. i know the tears will keep on falling, as if brine solution is being poured on a fresh wound. it is painful. it is difficult.

i remember a Whitney Houston hit, "where do broken hearts go? do they find their way home?" will my heart find its way home? i will never know. what i know is one day, i will find myself fully recovered and will laugh all the days gone by. life is difficult. life is unfair.

but i hope i'd get by.

someone

2005-08-10T06:53:00.000+07:00

sometime last week, there was this man who called me up in the office for business. he somehow got hold of my cell number (can't remember if i gave it to him). he started calling me and texting me. i am somehow happy that someone is giving special attention. but not so happy because he.is.married.

that is the clincher.

just when i thought God must have turned the tides, heavens are just giving me another headache (possibly a heartache if i go on with this). he is nice and intelligent to speak with. he sometimes says the most absurd and surreal things but i think i'm smart enough to know what's true and what's made up. but i also am thankful that he has been true to me (as per his civil status) because should i decide to get to know him better, i will feel very bad.

maybe, just maybe, i am starving of affection. from someone special.

of scents

2005-08-09T12:06:00.000+07:00

as i was making my way home yesterday night, amidst the downpour and gusty winds, i smelled a familiar scent. polo blue to be specific. don was polo blue personified. he usually wore that scent, wherever and whenever we were together.

and then memories kept gushing in, no matter how i tried to stop them. i didn't know how something as mundane as a scent can trigger so much emotions in me. i was pleased though i didn't cry. this is not the first time this happenned though. i've associated so many scents to so many things in my life. i can always tell when it's the summer season already. my sister and i would tell each other, "it's summer time already.. i can smell it.." and we would laugh at each other's crazy idea.

yesterday night, don and i's memories were flashing back as though i was in a movie. and it also dawned on me that we've stocked so much memoirs together that i can create a good full hour of flashbacks. don and i have spent so many times in different places, doing different things, meeting different people. many years back, we told ourselves, "baka maubusan na tayo ng gagawin next time.." and there was some truth to it. we've lost steam along the way.

now, i can only sigh. and hopefully move on soon.

cry baby

2005-08-08T07:21:00.000+07:00

i woke up to this text message from someone i might know but i don't know his/her cellphone number:

lyf's rules:
assume nothin.
xpect lil.
do more.
need less.
smyl often
sleep long.
dream big.
laf a lot.
pray always.
and once in a wyl...
cry.
but continue
living.

----
isn't this person so amazing? i was watching my best friend's wedding yesterday night and i caught the scene where the guy sang,"someday, when my life when I'm awfully low, When the world is cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you... And the way you look tonight. " and i just cried. such a cry baby these days.

i thought about the next days/months/years to come. if don and i manage to be friends after this break up and we get together to stroll around before his own wedding, how would i feel? yesterday night, just thinking about it frightened me. a lot.

mea culpa

2005-08-04T06:55:00.000+07:00

yes, yes, it was my fault.

yesterday night, amidst my half-asleep, half-awake moments, don texted me to ask if i were home already.

don: nk uwi k n b?

me: oo.

don: pahinga k n. alam ko pagod k.

me: sobra.

don: bakit? ano bang ginawa mo?

me: sobrang dami. pagod n pagod na ako. parang pinapatay ko katawan ko sa trabaho.

don: ba, yan ang gus2 mo eh.

and it finally dawned on me that don doesn't really care anymore -- of how i feel, of how i think, of how i act. i have been on denial stage for the longest time -- that don's text messages every now and then show he somehow wants the relationship to be mended. but i guess not. he has shown his true color over the past months and maybe he is not the kind of man i would want to spend the rest of my life with. maybe i deserve someone better -- someone who would look after me, someone who would wish he were on my place if i'm tired, someone who would love me without conditions.

but it really was my fault. i shouldn't have told him i was tired. really tired at that. because why the hell would he care? i'm just another person in his life. i'm not someone special to rant and to disturb him in his hell busy life.

god. i hope the letting go and the moving on part comes soon.

rules to be happy

2005-08-01T12:41:00.000+07:00

i found this article in my emails. it's quite interesting.

The Top 10 Rights You Don't Have

1. To have your needs met by someone.

No matter how legitimate you feel they are, or how obligated you feelthe other party is to you, it isn't always possible.

2. To feel good about everything all the time.

You can survive negative emotions (they don't last long), and taking your emotional temperature all the time is counter-productive. We're happiest when we're in "flow" -- neither thinking nor feeling, as when lost in a task you love.

3. To be the center of the universe.

There are always other people, and other wills to consider. Be willing to be the trailer sometimes, not the main attraction. It isn't always about you.

4. To have your expectations met.

The lower your expectations, in fact, the better you're likely to feel, because then you can only be happily surprised. Deal with intention, not expectations. How you intend to be, and act; not how you expect things to be, and others to act. You can experience great joy planning a trip. When it doesn't live up to your expectations, be glad you had the planning process! As Eisenhauer (US president) said, planning is useless, but necessary.

5. To dish out what you don't want to get back.

Self-fulfilling prophecies are all too often true. If you're bitter and cynical and expect the worst, that's likely what you're going to get. If you expect the best from others, that's also what you're likely to get. How you treat others is very often how they will treat you in return.

6. Justice.

Yes, it's supposedly one of your inalienable rights, but that's not always what you'll get in real life. Bad things do happen to good people. However, quite often if you look back on events, you will see they worked out for the best in the long run. While life is not always fair, there is a sort of rough justice out there. It takes perspective, however.

7. To lie and sleep well at night.

Authenticity has its own rewards, one of them being that you can lookin the mirror and like the person you look at.

8. To judge and criticize others and feel good about yourself.

When we judge others, we're asking for the same in return. It's often allied to perfectionism, which is a formula designed to make youmiserable. Demanding perfection of yourself or anyone else is a sure-fire way to be unhappy.

9. Unconditional love.

Even Freud said the only true love was that of a mother for her son (he being a son, of course, to a mother). Aside from that, there arealways "conditions" to mortal love and that's just something you'll have to deal with.

10. To not be bored.

Your boredom is in your own hands, or rather in your own brain. You must keep generating new experiences and challenges for yourself, and learn to look at old things with new eyes. Your brain needs just the same workout as your body does. Studies are showing we can keep generating new cells and new connections throughout our lifetime withthe right stimulation. New toys and new playmates must constantly be sought! Get out of your field, and out of your element often enough to keep yourself interested. It's up to you!

---
yes people. i so wanted to keep these things in mind.

nothing much

2005-07-28T10:33:00.000+07:00

people have been asking what has been going on in my life. my usual answer is: "nothing much.." because it really is.

i've been thinking about it and i realized what a boring life i have. i have tons of work to do and that's it. oh what a f*cking life.

mmmm... let's go out sometime.

tagged

2005-07-20T06:57:00.000+07:00

i've been tagged by dean and here are my answers:

Total Number of Films I own on DVD and Video: maybe less than a hundred

The Last Film I Bought: oh gawd, i can't remember

Five (5) Films Which I Watch A Lot/ Mean A Lot To Me:

1. Perfect Storm
2. Stepmom
3. Armageddon
4. Comedy flicks
5. My Best Friend's Wedding

To anyone who wants to join in, come aboard!

sapul na sapul

2005-07-19T07:03:00.000+07:00

18/07/05
10:41 am
from Mafel

don't grow old filled with regrets...
for things not done...
for words not said...
for love not shown...
life is too short
do what makes you
HAPPY.

----
sapul na sapul di ba?

----
the question is: what if the very thing that makes you happy brings about the most painful feelings as well? in this case, what if the the very love that you believe is true, is not going to make you happy after all? happiness is such a heavy word. so simple yet so difficult to define.

----
sometime ago, i vowed that i'm going to count the blessings that i receive and make me happy. here are some things that made me happy during the past days:

1. my high school friends during our get together the other week. makes me realize again that the friends you make in high school are the friends you're going to keep for life.

2. shopping. during the past weeks were a record high for my shopping. i got silver jewelry in baguio, new blouses, new cologne, new undies, new shampoo and conditioner and others.

3. popping a sleeping pill. makes sleeping a tad easier.

4. chatting with my college brods and sisses (like almost everyday). they are a crazy bunch and i just love exchanging thoughts with them.

5. receiving text messages of concern from everyone. i love them all.

maybe the list can go on and on. marami palang blessings. i might as well just look at those and forget that heavens have been a little cruel on my lovelife. yin and yang.

-----
sapul na sapul talaga.

good news, bad news

2005-07-18T08:19:00.000+07:00

one weekend and two phone calls after, i think i was never more confused ever.

when i was making my way home last friday, armed with a stuffed nose and slight fever, i was tad nervous to even see the darkened streets of the subdivision. i feared to see familiar faces for it may just trigger something painful. i feared to walk in the very streets where we spent countless goofy times in. above all, i feared to miss him.

the moment i walked in to the house, he might have sensed my presence and the phone rang. i answered it and heard his familiar low but firm tone at the other end. and boy i tell you this was the most nerve-wracking experience i've ever had.

he said: "kamusta?"
i said" "ok lang" (this was an understatement of course. i was and still am under the weather and he could sense that)

he said: "my sipon ka?"
i said: "oo, obvious di ba?"

and so on, he asked where i got the colds and what meds i am taking to combat the stupid virus. i answered every question albeit uninterested.

he asked me a slew of questions after and i said i had to go. i needed to blow my nose after all.

he said: "i miss you.."
i said: "i miss you too..." (dammit.)

was i insane or what?! i just have to tell him i miss him too. because in truth and in fact, i really do. i must have been good in masking my feelings when in front of other people but i miss the man that i loved and been with all my life.

finally, he said "love yah" in the most casual manner possible. i couldn't just understand how he could have said more casually. maybe he thinks the split is one of those times we've called it quits. maybe he thinks we're back together. no matter how i wanted it to be that way, i'd have to say no. things aren't good still and if those don't become better in the coming weeks, i'd have to say goodbye. for good.

under the weather

2005-07-14T12:53:00.000+07:00

i hate days like this.

my nose is stuffed, my heading is throbbing like hell and i have a fever with that. my boss suggested i go home and take a rest. but for some reason, i refused. it's just that there's no one at home to take care of me. and i don't want to be idling around when i can carry myself around to work for half a day. and it makes me feel all the more bad thinking there is nobody who i can count on during days like these.

i promised myself i will go home this weekend.

interesting

2005-07-13T08:39:00.000+07:00

These questions i found in friendster from my very good friend Tin Tin:

1) When I was a kid after school I: would look forward going home.

2) This one time when I was high: I banged my head (I think I was never high)

3) The New Pope: will have a hard time measuring up to JPII

4) I fall asleep easily: when it's past 2 am.

5) I need more: peace of mind ('nuf said)

6) I need less: triggers of stress

7) Public toilets are useful for: those dying to pee. but man they really stink!

8) The United States should change its name to: we-find-joys-in-war

9) My theme song would be: "i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell.."

10) Sometimes I think people: are indifferent to a world far bigger

11) Prescription drugs : are being hoarded by the government and sold at a higher price.

12) I think about sex when: ever, wherever. hahahaha.

13) The middle finger is most useful: when you are so f*cking pissed off with the world.

14) The last time I bought a pair of shoes: was last last week! shopping galore sa liliw!

15) In one month: I can spend a month's paycheck.

16) For the last time: i will faithfully take vitamins c.

17) The last thing I stole: plastic bags for the trash.

18) If I won the lotto, the first thing I would do: is run away.

19) When in Rome: Ill pray hard in the church.

20) If only I could get rid of: stupid people, stupid thoughts, stupid feelings

21) My mom: is one thing i'll never exchange for a million bucks.

22) When I'm on death row my last meal will be: lechon.

23) The last person who talked to me: (persons) were my brods and sisses in college

24) I mostly use the internet: when i am bored. and when i need stuff.

25) When I'm President: I will resign.

26) I most resemble: my paternal grandmother

27) The word I say too much is: steady lang.

28) Vegas is great for: quickie weddings

29) Michael Jackson: should have been convicted.

30) The Speed Limit means: the place is too dangerous for pedestrians.

31) When I die I want my body: to rot. hehehe.

32) If I could go back in time: I would be a better person.

33) The last time I said "this sucks" I: went to pee in a disgusting CR.

34) You obviously know me well when: you can make me laugh with three words or so.

35) Tomorrow I will: beat all my deadlines.

36) I spend too much time: thinking.

37) The last thing I broke: was my heart.

dilemma

2005-07-12T10:51:00.000+07:00

i have two dilemmas as of now:

one, now that don and i are not in good terms (okay, okay, not together), should i continue to wear this special ring that we had since last year. it is not an engagement ring. more of a promise ring because when we had it, we swore to heavens that we will always love each other, in ways unimaginable. we have just betrayed that promise. and i don't know whether i should continue to wear it. for me, it's something i still hold on to. for reasons i can't explain, it's one thing that makes me feel secured for some time. and letting it go now will mean opening myself up to a lot of vulnerabilities. i have realized that i have put myself into too much work just so to forget about a lot of hurts. i make an effort to not scar my wounded spirit more.

should i? should i not?

two, i still live in the apartment of his sister. this setup has worked best for me because of the proximity of the place to my place of work. although the ties are not strained because we have gone separate ways for now, i feel that i should be moving by now. whether don and i get back together or not. but the practical person in me tells me that everything is ok even when i'm there, i still feel i should move. more so like saying, i should not hold on to him anymore because he has long let go of me. every corner of that apartment remind me of him. and didn't i say i don't want to scar my wounded spirit any further?

should i? should i not?

talk to me.

toxicity

2005-07-07T12:57:00.000+07:00

i.am.toxic.

my pile of things to do is THIS high. and my stress level is just as high. the peak of our work season is upcoming and the workload is becoming more and more unbearable. that leaves me just enough time to sleep when i go home. and barely enough energy to do some things at home -- like cleaning my room. damn that room is a mess! i have been delaying cleaning it up since i can't remember anymore. very typical of the life i lead now. a big mess. *fucker*

i promise that i'll clean my room on sunday. i hope i'd have enough will to turn my room over. cleaning up the mess in my life is a bit harder to do. i'd do that next time. when i find enough strength. for now, it will be me, my room, and the mess. good combination uh?

singlehood

2005-07-06T07:52:00.000+07:00

oh how easy it is on the pocket not to have someone to constantly communicate with. but it gets depressing as a single minute goes by.

i am used being surrounded by a lot of people -- with mouths that can blab a thousand words a minute. talking and dealing with people from all walks of life is where i earn a living from. but when i go home after a long day, it's only me. especially now.

my feeling of being alone is at its worst now. then, i knew someone out there loves me more than anything. someone cared for me and my life. and i loved him back, more than he thought i did. i cared for him more than i thought i was capable of. and it was simply a wonderful feeling to love and be loved in return.

but things have changed. he is not the same person i've grown up with and shared special intimate moments with. for some reason he doesn't want me to know, he told me not to look for the old him. and he's not ready yet to talk about it. and i've grown tired of it. i've had too much of the he-has-taken-me-for-granted issues and i'd like to be able to move on. this maybe is what he wants or wanted for the longest time. i don't know what went wrong. maybe time has taken its toll on us. and maybe, like jerseys, we are hung now to retire.

in the almighty's time, i would be able to understand why these things happened. i would be able to accept the most bitter realities. and that i would be stronger and wiser.

high school highs

2005-07-04T07:37:00.000+07:00

however tired and wasted i anticipated myself to be because of the long trip from baguio, i can't say no to my bunch of high school friends who invited me to a joy ride cum food trip cum shoes shopping galore yesterday. and i was more than glad that i dragged myself over. we had a superb superb time.

i must say we are a bunch of crazy girls. although some of us have gone to the next level of maturity -- having babies and all -- we are still the same silly girls strutting the hallways of rural. we stuffed ourselves in rochie's sir and went all the way to liliw. never mind if we pained our asses because one has to be seated in our laps. the trip wasn't only a joy ride. it was a hilarious laugh trip. even our designated driver, rochie, laughed at some things we talked about.

there's a different high when you see the people you've grown up with and shared your silliest high school memory with. and it's good to have a tummy ache while reminiscing your past and looking forward to your future. and i can't help but miss high school. and miss the old times.

there we were. a tad older but still the same. thank you jean, mafel, rochie, chris, dial, niña and karen for your friendships.

scrappy things

2005-07-01T14:47:00.000+07:00

i came out of the bed late this morning. i have this thing about not being able to sleep early when i'm not at home. the hotel here in baguio is incredibly good. but i always end up staying late watching oprah and some other sports special (aka wimbledon) commented by japanese-speaking people. god.

anyway, i went to SM to check out our on-going exhibit and grabe a bite. plus i also have to get cash for myself because i'm going home tomorrow. but damn atm machine broke down and did not dispense the cash -- and to make matters worse, debited the 2k i withdrawed. i asked help from the BDO people here in SM and was referred to the centralized chorva call center of the bank. i was told that the cash will be credited after an investigation which will take about 10 banking days! 10 banking days dahling is waaaaaaayy ttooooo loooooonnnnnggg. this is a bad day.

*******
it's mah best friend's birthday today.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAR JEAN. i am damn too thankful for having you in this otherwise crappy life.

cold cold nights in baguio

2005-06-30T13:24:00.000+07:00

i can so live forever here in baguio. the weather is just heaven for my poor poor lungs. amazing sights.

i have been here for like n times already. but have never appreciated its beauty. maybe because the previous times i was here, we are always pressed for time. now, i have the luxury of time. and money too. which makes this trip a pleasure.

oh well. i'll post pictures next time.

Camwhore Me

2005-06-23T10:53:00.000+07:00

i have not posted pictures here of my travels this year. here are some of them.

Going to Cebu with officemate Ann (stressed but all smiles)

During a hearty dinner in a Chinese resto in Crossroads, Cebu

Relax and unwind -- Matina Town Square, Davao City
(it doesn't look like a tequila sunrise, does it?)

Jack's Ridge -- Davao City
(romantic place.. dudidu)

This was taken in iloilo -- during a rainy afternoon

Oh well. I am off to Baguio next week. Post pictures next time.

SAnDy

2005-06-21T07:34:00.000+07:00

i'm proud of myself because for the last weeks, i've been feeling rather good about my relationship. i thought pieces lost are being put into place. oh well. i might have been just wrong.

for the nth time last time, i pondered on breaking up with him. of course that made me just cry. all endings are sad anyway so i can't blame myself for it. and to think that someone whom you've been with and been your life for the past five years will just disappear in a snap is really a tearjerker for god's sake.

but i feel that i should do it. to give him time to miss me. maybe the reason that he's taking me for granted (or at least i think i am) is that he is always sure i am here for him. for whatever fucking faults he has done in the past, i have always stayed beside him. never mind if at times, i was just a wallpaper in his busy busy life. and i think i have to make him realize that i am an important part of him. or if time apart doesn't make him realize that, we might not be for each other after all.

as others would put it, god gives you a few wrong people before he gives you the right one. after five years or so of thinking that he is the right one, it might not be him after all.

nonsense really

2005-06-16T06:58:00.000+07:00

i was having dinner last night in a very busy McDonald's branch when something popped in my mind. if i had internet access last night, i would have written it at once. but the night (with rain always threatening to pour) gave some more time to think about this entry.

what are some jobs that really amaze you? and you would rather try to do at one point in you life if given the opportunity? here is my list.

1. McDonald's BRANCH MANAGER -- funny how these people seem very bubbly and friendly with their kitchen and cashier staff. oh well, i've have countless breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner at McDo to know that this is a front they show so people will be enticed to come in. but they are an amazing bunch of people. i'd like to try to be one also. *wink*

2. STAND UP COMEDIENNE in a Comedy Bar -- ha. this thought excites me. i'm not very good in bashing people on mic and in public so i thought i'd have a hard time doing this. plus the work is really during the night. that's a minus. but the job seems to be very challenging and the pay i think is good. with tips and all. wow.

3. HOTEL STAFF -- this is a glamour job. well, second to being a stewardess. it's amazing to think your in the hotel all the time. although of course, you are not entitled to room service. har.

4. NATIONAL TEAM PLAYER -- ang saya siguro nito. kaso ang hirap ng training. saka i'll be tanned for sure. pero astig di ba? especially the part where you meet other people from other countries. that would be a blast. and then you get free shoes and bags and jackets and uniforms. although i know that corruption is really rampant kaya hindi masyadong naalagaan ang mga atleta. sheesh.

5. P.A. NG ARTISTA -- wala lang. parang astig maging dakilang julalay ng isang artista. kaso syempre, mahirap ang buhay na un. although it might be worth trying.

oh well. these are nonsense really.

naisip ko lang

2005-06-15T07:24:00.000+07:00

Namulat ako at ngayo'y nag-iisa

Pagkatapos ng ulan

Bagama't nakalipas na ang mga sandali

Ay nagmumuni kung ako'y nagwagi

Pinipilit mang sabihin na ito'y wala sa akin

Ngunit bakit hanggang ngayon, nagdurugo pa rin

Sa kanya pa rin babalik sigaw, ng damdamin

Sa kanya pa rin sasaya bulong ng puso ko

Kung buhay pa ang alaala ng ating nakaraan

Ang pagmamahal at panahon alay pa rin sa kanya

At sa hatinggabi ay nag-iisa na lang

Ay minamasdan ang larawan mo

At ngayo'y bumalik nang siya'y kapiling pa

Alaala ng buong magdamag

Kung sakali man isipin na ito'y wala sa akin

Sana'y dinggin ang tinig kong nag-iisa pa rin

Sa kanya pa rin babalik sigaw, ng damdamin
Sa kanya pa rin sasaya bulong ng puso ko
Kung buhay pa ang alaala ng ating nakaraan
Ang pagmamahal at panahon alay pa rin sa kanya

----

Kahit ano pang maging decision natin, remember this song.

weekend hangover

2005-06-14T07:39:00.000+07:00

my best college buds and i were supposed to party last friday though we changed plans last minute because of my freakin' overtime schedule. anyway, joy, mon, don and i met up last friday in lb to have a quiet dinner and i'm glad we did.

people following my blog know that don has not been his usual funny and bubbly self over the past few months. i don't freaking know why this is happening. we've had endless arguments over this and i get nothing out of it. but last friday, he was FUNNY and BUBBLY all through the night. from calamba to lb and back to calamba, our conversations started to all look like the ones we had before -- and i can't help but smile.

don has always been the funny guy -- especially true to the people he is comfortable with. he jokes around and it'll make your tummy ache really bad. i think joy's tummy did ache was not able to digest all the crispy pata and camaron she ordered for the night. but she's glad that don is back to his usual form.

fast forward to sunday. don brought me to the bus stop so i can comfortably take the bus to manila. i had overtime work. but he also picked me up in calamba so i won't take the jeepney ride from calamba to our place. that was really nice and sweet of him.

monday night, he brought me here in manila and though we were not able to go see a movie, twas alright. we kissed goodnight under the stars. and i wished that all things have happy endings.

in davao

2005-06-01T13:40:00.000+07:00

yes. i'm away. for the nth time.

i am here in davao since monday. the trip has been interesting, noting that my flight last monday was delayed for a four hours or so. my goodness. and i went here with a colleague who shares with me the most trying time of my so-called love life.

we went up to jack's ridge here in davao and we had a fabulous dinner. a good conversation over hot sinigang and fish fillet was truly a treat. and we reminisced - our own good times with the respective loves of our lives, the good old days and the bad times as well. that made us realize that love can be lost along the way. and that we might as well not believe in destiny. or forever.

today marks our 5 years and 1 month of being together. i don't know if i should be happy or sad. those who have been reading this know that we are having the roughest times of our lives now. we have been struggling to get by everyday. and that there are prospects that we are going down the drain soon. i haven't been thinking about it though but i am telling myself that i should see it coming. i don't want to be caught off guard. it might really tumble me upside down.

my colleague asks me what's keeping me from breaking up with him. i tell her, "here i am. i know that he is the man i want to spend the rest of my life with and i never want to just send him out my life without really good good reason." she just smiled. she knows how much i love him. how much he means to me and how much my life will br wrecked without him. but she also knows how hurt i am. but for now, i am getting by with the pain. so don't worry ann. i'll be alright.

sorry guys because all things written here are about my love life. i know better things should be written about. but this is my present pre-occupation - to fix what is broken.

stress

2005-05-27T13:55:00.000+07:00

i have been up and running since 8 am this morning. i have maxed out my energy and i'm way too stressed. thanks to this stupid courier company which did not deliver the parcel i sent the other day. good thing i'm going out tonight. unwind. and i'll be out next week! i'm going to davao. ;p

i just want to share an excerpt from an email i received from jyas, a friend since high school.

*****
You should also know and realize that the persons who make your day bad are jewels, because you need them for you to mature. Hangga't andyan daw sila at kinaiinisan mo, ibig sabihin, immature ka pa. God will not take away those people; it's for you to take away your bad feelings towards them.

You'll know na mature ka na pag dumating 'yung time na hindi ka na naiinis sa mga taong ito because you have learned to accept them and to have patience with them.

Finally, the best part of this is to tell yourself na, because of this person , "I will grow mature," and that DAHIL SA CONTRIBUTION NIYA SA MATURITY MO , KUKUNIN DIN SYA NI LORD.

*******
Stupid people really make me sick. arggggghhhh!

kwentong kutsero

2005-05-26T15:34:00.000+07:00

tuwing natitigilan ako sa mga ginagawa ko, may mga bagay akong naiisip. mga bagay na sa normal na takbo ng buhay ko hindi ko naman binibigyang pansin dahil malamang iyong mga 'yon ay napaka pamilyar na sa akin. tulad ng bakit naging kami ng boyfriend ko ngayon.

kung hindi nyo alam, kinse anyos pa lang ako nung niligawan ako ni don. third year high school ako nun sa rural. hindi yun ang unang beses na naligawan ako. pero isa yun sa dalawang beses na nakaramdam ako ng "kilig" dahil may taong pumapansin sa akin at binibigyan ako ng halaga. masaya ang mga araw ko kapag magkasama kami. minsan pa nga tinangka nyang hawakan ang kamay ko habang bumababa kami ng bus. sa murang edad ko na 'yun, nagulantang ako sa bilis ng reaksyon kong alisin ang pagkakahawak ng kamay namin. animo'y rapist ang taong iyon. pero hindi. naging "gentleman" sya sa akin pati na rin sa aking mga kaibigan. tahimik na sya noon. ngunit binibigyan nya ng ngiti ang aking mukha tuwing tatawag sya o dadaan sa harap ng bahay namin. maraming mga bagay ang humdlang sa aming dalawa. una dahil mayroon isang tao na nagmamahal na sa akin. sa totoo lang, handa na ako noon na iwanan sya upang makasama si don. per ayaw ng nanay ko. komplikado. kaya't sinunod ko na lang ang aking nanay. nilayuan ko si don. hindi naman naging sobrang hirap pa ra sa akin. kinalaunan, naisip ko na baka hindi ko naman talaga sya mahal. malamang ako'y humanga lamang sa kanyang "masculinity".

duamaan ang mga taon. four years to be exact. walang kaming naging komunikasyon. hindi pa uso ang cell phone noon. at minsan pag nagkikita kami, hindi pa ako tumitingin sa direksyon ng tingin nya. ayokong makita ang kanyang brown eyes dahil baka ako'y mabighani na naman. iniisip ko noon na sa tagal ng hindi namin pag-uusap, baka nag asawa na sya. o may girlfriend.

summer time noon. ako'y papasok na bilang junior sa college. bumalik sya sa buhay ko. di ko alam kung anong nangyari ngunit muli kaming nag usap noon -- minsan'y naglolokohan pa nga. nag simula sa biro noon na ilibre nya ako sa concert ng freestyle. at ginawa nga nya sa isang kundisyon, "basta ikaw ang date ko ha!" sabi mo. tumango lang naman ako. sa concert na un, naisip kong itanong kung nanliligaw ba sya sa akin. walang atubili mong sinabi na, oo. umikot ang mundo ko sa mga alala nating dalawa apat na taon na ang nakaraan. masaya ako. ngunit sinabi ko sa yo, "may girlfriend ka di ba?". ang sabi mo wala. at naniwala ako. makalipas ang ilang linggo dumating na ang oras na tinanong nya sa akin kung pwede ko na siya maging boyfriend. sa totoo lang ako'y nag atubili. natatakot ako sa mga pwedeng mangyari. hindi ko alam kung pano maging mabuting girlfriend sa kanya. at hindi ko pa nasasabi sa magulang ko. sabi nya itago na lang muna namin kay mommy habang hindi ko pa nasasabi. at syempre, pagkatapos ng gabi na yun, alam ng buo nyang barkada. itago daw oh.

nakahinga ako ng maluwag nung nasabi ko na kay mommy ung tungkol sa amin. at naintindihan nya. matagal bago natanggap ng daddy ko na kami ng dalawa. pero ipinakita ni don o sa kanya na karapat dapat syang maging boyfriend ko.

ngayon, limang taon na ang naka lipas matapos maging kami. marami ng nag-iba. pero hindi kaming dalawa. sabi nga ni czjai, kami ay wagas na. sana nga.

song of the heart

2005-05-26T12:04:00.000+07:00

Sa tuwing tayo't magkakalayo

hindi matahimik ang puso ko

bawat sandali hanap kita

'di mapakali hanggang muling kapiling ka

dahil kung ika'y makita ng

labis labis ang tuwang nadarama

magisnan lamang ang kislap ng iyong mata

kahit ano pa ay kakayanin ko na

Basta't kasama kita

lahat magagawa lahat ay maiaalay sa'yo

basta't kasama kita walang kailangan pa

wala nang hahanapin pa

basta't kasama kita

giliw, sana ay ikaw na nga

ang siyang mananatiling kasama ko

dahil kung ika'y mawawala pati lahat sa buhay ko'y maglalaho

Basta't kasama kita
lahat magagawa lahat ay maiaalay sa'yo
basta't kasama kita walang kailangan pa
wala nang hahanapin pabasta't kasama kita

walang kailangan pawala nang hahanapin pa

basta't kasama kita

queen and king

2005-05-25T15:29:00.000+07:00

like every little girl, i dream of getting married.
like every growing girl, i know this is possible.
like every girlfriend, i'm anxious for my time to come.

i know marriages are rosy during wedding day -- and the color seems to fade by the day. the speed though is determined by how succeptible the couple is to wear and tear. but i still am excited to plan a wedding for myself. and here are some things i want to have/do during my wedding. if ever it will come.

1. hire an effective wedding coordinator. i've seen lots of weddings that crash in the middle of it all and damn i promised myself that will not happen in my wedding.

2. hold the ceremonies and reception in batangas before the sunset and party 'til midnight. with close family and friends. i don't want to splurge on such a big gathering. 100 guests would be enough.

3. hire a good photography group. i'd like every blissful moment immortalized in good photos. things i'd like to go back to and share with my kids or grand kids. isn't that wonderful?

4. good food and wine. 'nuff said.

5. haven't thought much about the dresses and stuff. i'm not much into bridal fashion.

6. write our own vows. to love and be loved forever.

7. be pretty on my wedding day.

i think i'd have to get back to this when an engagement ring comes. i might be too giddy to remember.

-----------------
salamat jean. dahil sa 'yo nasulat ko 'to. =D

an open letter

2005-05-24T11:11:00.000+07:00

my dearest king,

we have been out of touch lately. either because we are too busy or too tired to talk. we have been talking about just small things -- our daily activities, our present worries, our current disappointments. or should i say my daily activities, my present worries, my current disappointments? i got used to your silence, to your barrier that i always try to penetrate, to your few words. that's why our conversations have been just about me. and it's alright.

there are some times that you spoke. and i intently listened. because those times were rare. and i must digest anything you say. those were the times that either you are drunk or have just enough stroke of inspiration to talk.

but those times got rarer and rarer. i must really thank heavens for the wonders of technology. the wonders of sms. i could track you down and know that you're doing fine. but it's just that. a hi and hello in the morning and a good night in the evening. it's all in the surface. so shallow. i have never thought we will be like this. talking was our pastime during our 5 years. we talk about silly things, mundane, grand, whatever. we talk about other people and we laugh at them. that has kept us sane for the longest time.

now i miss those times. when we can be so carefree and talk and talk and talk. because times have changed, we don't have the luxury of doing this. we usually have dinner to talk things over. once a week. and that's it. i don't know why.

oh god. how i miss you. your hands that touch my face when tears start falling. your warm embrace during cold cold nights. your smile when i am at my lowest. your funny antics when i am really depressed. your encouraging words when i am about to give up. your high spirits when i am rejected. see? i miss the whole you.

how i wish we could go back to the old days. how i wish we could be the same.

many people have said, over and over again that we are a wonderful couple. what they don't see and know is that we are struggling to be one. i remember a time you told people the reason why have come this far, "we work on it," you proudly muttered under your breath. and i was so proud to hear that. almost to the point of boasting that i have such a wonderful partner. and because you really are a wonderful partner. i can't argue with that anywhere.

maybe time has taken its toll on this relationship. maybe heavens are telling us to stop and think about things that we may have overlooked along the way. and i am afraid to stop. to tell you we should think things over. because that might just trigger a breakup. and the last thing i want right now is a heartache. i am a risk taker. maybe this will pass. or maybe not. no one knows.

i just hope we could be together. for now. until forever. because you are my forever.

away again

2005-05-18T15:08:00.000+07:00

i have been too lazy to blog about many things. now that i'm away, again, i think i have no excuse not to write. and especially now that many things are going on my mind.

i'm here in iloilo -- fantastic place. this is not my first time here. although this is the first time that i have truly explored the wonders of this place. yesterday, i went on a side trip to aklan, a good four hours from iloilo city. and then went to limbacao (one hour from kalibo) to rest for a while. we thought of traveling to caticlan but it will take us 6 hours to get there. goodness gracious. i didn't realize panay island is that big.

anyway, as i was traveling back by bus alone yesterday night, i saw many things. mostly hills and mountains and huts and kids and cows. and many realizations came as well. i saw people happily going by their business in those sleepy towns of iloilo, capiz and aklan. i saw kids wonderfully enjoying the summer -- being communed with nature. maybe because playstations and video games have definitely not invaded their niches.

i was a little scared to travel alone yesterday. but in the end, i was grateful that i did. i think being alone forces me to think and ponder. about little things that i don't usually think about when i'm in the metro. i was grateful to see all the wonderful places dotting the panay island. too bad i wasn't able to go to boracay. but it's ok.

seeing all of these, i think that it made me humble in a lot of ways. i think that there is a big world outside and there are a lot of people that we should care about -- not just ourselves. i miss the times when i can be as carefree as those town kids. i miss the times when i don't have to worry about the limited time i have and just enjoy life as it is. and these people, even if i haven't really interacted with them closely, taught me that life is a journey i must enjoy. and it's indeed the essence of life.

changes

2005-05-12T12:09:00.000+07:00

i'm getting into a new thing now.

nobody knows yet what it is but i hope it will come out good in the end. and i hope to be able to sustain my interest throughout a quite challenging task. and i know it'll be.

i don't have much time really to write. and i can't find anything interesting to write about. so this should be it. i'm off to iloilo next week. prospectives for a very good time are promising.

im back

2005-05-09T12:28:00.000+07:00

finally, i'm back here in manila. and it feels oh so good to be back home.

i thought everything will go well in my trip to cebu but no. last friday, i brought myself to the hospital because i was feeling dizzy. after a couple of hours and a series of lab tests, i was back at the hotel, to rest and sleep for the work ahead. during my stay there, i realized how independent i have become. i had no one to cling on to -- even in my weakest form. this is the allessandra after years and years of living independently. didn't even have to tell my parents i was sick. never wanted to bother them.

now i'm back to form. hopefully after the medication, i will be 100%. for now, i'm just glad i'm back to a more familiar place. with more familiar faces and souls.

queen allessandra in the queen city

2005-05-04T14:45:00.000+07:00

the queen has invaded the queen city of the south. i'm here in cebu and it's fab.

despite all the headaches that the pre-trip preps have given me, i'm enjoying every moment of my stay here in cebu. we visited some places of interest -- mostly museums and historical places. we have come across some fantastic people -- janitors, taxi drivers and locals all warmly extend hospitality to two young girls wanting to explore the city.

some say cebu is very much like manila. it is in some ways. but i say cebu is still provincial in nature. the hustle and bustle of cebu is nothing compared to Manila. you can still spend lazy afternoons in parks and stroll in the streets during the night. and traffic is pleasantly slow. i think cebu has a certain charm that greets all visitors -- local and foreign -- and we are enamored by it.

one thing's missing here though. my king.

it's not all roses

2005-04-28T12:24:00.000+07:00

i know how awful it feels to be single in a crowd of couples. but do you know how awful it feels to be in a relationship and be treated badly at that? ask me. i may just have enough stories to tell.

i don't want to badmouth my boyfriend or any of my past partners for that matter. i just want people to realize that it's not all roses when you are in a relationship. there are a lot of things to be grateful about -- companionship during times of trouble and joy, gifts during special days of the year, a text message in the morning and the evening and all the romantic things that society and movies have shown us. but maybe movies and tv shows have not experienced what it's like to be in an actual relationship -- to be treated badly at times, to be taken for granted when he has exhausted it all, and to be left when all your world is his already.

and you are left there, crying yourself to sleep.

-------------------

maraming beses, gusto ko na lang na maging ordinaryong babae, na may ordinaryong boyfriend. ayoko ng masyadong hassle. pero pinili ko 'to. dapat panindigan ko.

alone and lonely

2005-04-27T08:28:00.000+07:00

i had dinner last night. alone. as usual.

i have been looking after myself for the longest time, as long as i can remember actually. situations in my life called for this. i have been away from home since i was barely in my teens. studying and eventually living on my own pushed me to independence. i would go home every weekend, seeing my siblings and parents who have grown older by the days. i was furious most of the times, blaming my parents for asking me to study in los banos, an unknown territory for me. i was not happy to study and live away from home. but i got used to it, even really moving on my own when i graduated in college. this is a choice i made and have to deal with every single day.

don't get the idea that i don't have a good family. i do. my parents are still together and they were the most amazing people who raised up three beautiful and independent children. my siblings are A-ok. but times really call for me to live on my own. i can't possibly survive working in manila and go home to laguna every day. it will kill me. not to mention my poor lungs.

but i think i'm getting tired of being alone. i thought i found company when i had a boyfriend. but alas, destiny would not smile very widely on us. he has to be somewhere else when i need company. he has to deal with his own life, and just sees to it that i'm in a safe condition. he asked his sister if i could live with her so he wouldn't worry much about me. a very nice gesture i think. although i miss his company now, more than ever.

i believe as we grow older, we worry about more and more things. and the company of friends and loved ones keep us sane. all of my good friends are based in laguna, my family is in laguna, my king is in laguna -- so who keeps me sane? no one. maintaining my sanity is a chore i have to do on my own. in my own cloistered world.

i hope to be able to pull through this. *sigh*

ala boy abunda

2005-04-26T15:09:00.000+07:00

I just don't want to fall in my trap of laziness and not update this blog anymore. I can't find anything to blog about and i found these interesting questions. Let's plunge on it.

1. Which is more important for you in a relationship.. Love or Trust?
++ Love and trust are both important. Kasi ako, when i love, all out. All hells break loose. And this is the only way I know how.

2. The person u love or the person who loves you?
++ Meron akong recent discovery. I can easily learn to love a person. So, I guess the person who loves me. At least a person whose love can sustain us during a short while I am still learning to love him.

3. Short or long courtship?
++ I think it doesn't matter at all, at least for me. Tama ang iba, kung kayo, kayo.

4. Which is more easy for you to Forgive or to Forget?
++ I always forgive but never forget. Sabi nga nila, don't forget the name, it might come in handy in the future.

5. Do you agree that once you've loved a person u wud never stop loving him?
++ Absolutely. I believe kasi na once you're together, you grow unto each other. And even if you break up, andun pa rin ung space for that particular person. You may not be in love anymore, pero there is still love between you. kahit nasty break up pa yan!

6. Should one stay in a relationship just for old time sake?
++ Hell no. You might just end up in worse conditions.

7. what do you think is the common cause of break up?
++ People fall out of love. And also because we choose to fall out of love. People never get contented with what they have, thinking a better partner is out there. Sad to say, I have been there.

8. What do you think is the most used break up lines?
++ We are better off as friends. What the f*ck?! I think I used this line one too many times. ;p

9.What's your ideal partner?
++ An ideal partner for me is someone who would laugh with me when I'm happy, or cry with me when shit throws me off. Someone who would tap my back when I'm on top of the world and even let me have the limelight. Someone who is secure enough on his own to be my rock and refuge.

10.What do you think of ligaw?
++ This is the kilig part of the lot. Pretentious most of the times pero kilig pa rin. Siguro you just have to be wise enough to know what is true and what is not.

11.Is it true na ang love nawawala o nababawasan lang?
++ All out ang love. Infinity. Walang conditions. Nababawasan pero hindi nawawala.

12.How many bfs/gfs have you had?
++ 2 long term relationships.

13.Do you have a crush right now?
++ meron yata. hahaha.

14. Which one do you prefer, friendship or relationship?
++ It's good to have a balance of both.

15. have you fallen in love with your bestfriend?
++ Hindi pa naman. I don't think I ever will.

16.Have you had regrets?
++ I don't think I have regrets. Shit throws me off many times pero I bounce back-- a lot stronger at that.

17.If yes, why do you regret?
++ lalalalala

18. Are you in a serious/fling relationship right now or just plain single?
++ i'm in a long term relationship now. pushing 5 years.

19. Are you a player?
++ I experimented to be one, was never good at it. ;p

20. Are you a martyr?
++ I think I am.

21.Do you believe in marriage first before living in or vice-versa?
++ Modernity tells me it doesn't matter. But the thoughts of getting married excite me.

22. Do you look ahead to your future or do you look behind to your past?
++ I look ahead to the future more often. The uncertainty makes me wonder how exciting life can be.

23. Why do you think most relationships dont last?
++ Because some things are not meant to be.

24. Do you really think love can conquer all? Why?
++ Yes. Love makes the world brighter and life freer.

25. Whats your motto when it comes to love?
++ If I love someone. I will love him to the moon and back.

-------
ito ay pre-anniversary thoughts ko. dahil malapit na mag may 1.

the art of surveys

2005-04-22T15:28:00.000+07:00

it's funny how so many people are hooked up in surveys in friendster. including me. i'll give it a different texture. let's try it here. (some people know that it's here because i can't find anything to write about, tee hee).

1. Name 3 schools you went to.
++ Mary Help of Christians School - Canlubang
++ Up Rural High School
++ UPLB

2. Name 3 favorite fastfoods.
++ Mcdonalds
++ KFC
++ Wendy's

3. Name 3 things in your bag when you go out.
++Wallet
++ Cellphone
++ kikay stuff

4.Name 3 favorite Hangouts.
++ Home
++ The BEACH
++ Mall

5.Name 3 favorite songs Right now.
++ Love moves in mysterious ways.
++ Waiting in Vain
++ Hari ng Sablay (hehehe)

6. Name 3 favorite sports.
++ Volleyball
++ Badminton
++ Bowling

7. Name 3 things you would like to do right now?
++ Plan for a vacation with my king
++ Get rid of this freaking colds
++ Never think about the coming weeks

8. Name 3 most valuable material possession?
++ Perfume collection
++ Cellphone
++ My promise ring.

9. Name 3 things you are addicted to:
++ My king
++ the beach, and the sand, and the tan
++ dried cranberries

10. Name 3 expenses in school / work.
++ food
++ transpo
++ gimik

11. Name 3 career choices.
++ Volleyball player for the RP team
++ Freelance writer and artist
++ entrepreneur

12 .Name 3 goals in 2005.
++ buy a PDA
++ enroll in a sports clinic (for the whole year)
++ go to Australia

13. Name 3 plans for this week.
++ be patient
++ attend a social function
++ get rid of this freaking colds

14.Name 3 favorite drinks.
++ Water
++ Coke Light
++ C2

15. Name 3 childhood superheroes.
++ Shaider
++ my mom and dad
++ ?

16. Name 3 friends that you miss most
++ sherry
++ rhoda
++ high school friends

17. Name 3 favorite movies.
++ Beautiful Mind
++ Patch Adams
++ Stepmom

18. Name 3 favorite colors.
++ Yellow
++ Red
++ Blue

19. Name 3 favorite books.
++Shopaholic Series
++ Paulo Coelho
++ 100 Years of Solitude

20. Name 3 favorite local bands.
++ Rivermaya
++Southborder
++MYMP

21. Name 3 favorite foreign bands.
++ Incubus
++ Maroon 5
++ ?

It always amazes me how we can go on forever talking about ourselves.Guilty your honor.

platonic friendships

2005-04-21T08:03:00.000+07:00

do they really exist?

platonic friendships for me are like extraterrestrial creatures. for some reason, i don't believe it exists. it's so crappy to read articles in peyups.com for example about girls swearing what they have with their male best friend is purely platonic and but in the end they fall head over heels for men. and then i count them as one of the millions of unrequited love that can topple over a guinness record.

maybe it's a female thing. i for example, have been slave to many assumptions about men and how they treat me. i have been hurt because i assumed we had a good thing going on but in the end i realized that it was all in my mind. what he felt was going on was just friendship -- on a somewhat deeper level but still friendship. i wasn't able to tell him i was hurt becuase to begin with, i caused myself that pain. i just told myself he was letting go of a beautiful person. ;p

all i want to say really is platonic friendships set unlimited possibilities. we may be hurt, we may enjoy, we may get lost along the way. we have to be ready. especially those whose hearts take a long time to heal.

of being pregnant and having babies

2005-04-20T12:16:00.000+07:00

before anyone freaks out, no i am NOT pregnant and i am NOT going to have a baby soon.

a couple of my high school friends are moms already. albeit all the issues surrounding the pregnancy and stuff, i think they could consider this moment pure bliss. and so i asked my best friend, "when do we know we're ready to have a baby?" never mind the husband part, it's immaterial really.

my best friend said we are ready when we can be finally selfless and devote our time, energy, and finances to our bundle of joy. i think she's absolutely right. we are indeed ready when we can make the ultimate sacrifice, of putting your child's welfare first before yours, or anybody else's for that matter. and when we can choose not buy the trendiest clothes to bring home enough cash for the baby's milk or skip to buy the newest PDA to be able to get that stroller for your kiddo.

and i guess there are other zillion things we want to get ready for when we decide to have a baby (note that the husband part is ommitted consciously, it's a whole different story altogether) -- the late night sleep because you have change diapers and feed the baby during times when all you want to do is doze off, the tantrums you have to keep up with when all you want is peace and quiet moments, the worried calls to the pedia and "seasoned" (aka mom) people to ask why the baby is stubbornly crying when all you want to do is burn the telephone lines to get the latest buzz on hot men.

and then i realize, i may never be ready for such a thing. however, moments of insanity such as now tell me, I AM READY. minus the husband part. ;p

sad thoughts

2005-04-18T14:55:00.000+07:00

i'm a totally optimistic person in general. a cheerful, happy soul actually. but i am human. therefore prone to sadness and depression.

i'm looking forward to a special day. may 1 -- the day i took the risk to be seriously committed with somebody, the day i never knew would change my life and turn it upside down. our past anniversaries have been nothing but a blast. we always make it sure it's going to be special for both of us -- whether because we go out of town or just be downright goofy with each other. but i think it's going to be different this year.

that makes me a whole lot sad.

my king said we're just going to have dinner. a quiet one. even if i wanted to spend money going to batangas or puerto galera. he said we should save up for the rainy days. is he going to ask me to marry him? nah. only because i think only engaged couples save up. and we are not. so what the hell is happening?

and that makes me really a whole lot sad.

--------------------
a good friend told me, "how could you understand all these?"
i said, "i don't know. because i really don't understand..."

to be or not to be

2005-04-15T08:14:00.000+07:00

i was out late last night with my king. we went to watch a movie. albeit he was fast asleep even before the movie started, we had a fairly good time. we haven't been together for quite some time. he is busy minding his things. i'm busy with my things as well. after such a long time that we've been together, we've learned that we can't be together all the time. meaning, we have to set time apart, to grow apart, individually at that. so we can know ourselves better and know what we really want out of this relationship. most of the time, it's difficult for me to understand this set-up. i know it has worked wonders for us -- sustaining us through the hardest of times. and if only for that, i'd keep an open mind about it. we are looking forward to mark our 5th year of togetherness, being not just "you" and "me" but "us".

i love you my king. from the moon and back.

Indisposed

2005-04-14T09:01:00.000+07:00

what irony it is that after a fabulous galera getaway, i was down at home, nursing fever and things in between. the only thing is, i was alone. price i pay for wanting and needing to live on my own. being sick makes me miss home. i miss my mom who would whip up a good soup for me and would force the meds down my throat. i miss being with people who would care endlessly until you can go in the bathroom on your own. i miss my dad who will make kulit for me to see a doctor and make sure i'm alright.

i'm tired of being alone. of pulling through life on my own. how i wish i can be nearer home. i miss my king.

Fab Summer

2005-04-11T08:26:00.000+07:00

things almost went in the way of our planned galera getaway but i thank heavens we wtill managed to pull it off. galera has a certain magic associated with beautiful people, good food, awesome music, scorching sun and fabulous treats. i am so glad i went there with my friends. after drowning ourselves with cuervo, we had a fantastic chat -- about hurts, unqrequited love, despair. we weren't a bit afraid of judgement because we shed tears. we found comfort in each other's words, in each other's mere presence in times of total sh*t.

thank you jean, doanie, mafel for the wonderful time. and for the wonderful friendship.

Beach Mode

2005-04-07T09:09:00.000+07:00

life has been not-so-good these days. at least for me and a couple of other people i know. but i'm glad that my friends and i are hitting the beach soon. we promised we'll party hard and waste ourselves in tequila. we promised to leave behind work stuff and the whole lot of stress that's been plaguing us ever since day one (read: love problems). we're going to swim, drink, be burnt and be merry until it's time to pack and be home.

oh, and i hope the sea wouldn't be too rough. the roads in our lives have been just that. and anyway, i don't want to puke. ;)

April Fool's a Good Start

2005-04-01T08:57:00.000+07:00

this is my nth attempt to maintain a blog. i always kick off pretty well. although sometime along the way, i am losing steam. very typical me.

summer is here and i'm enjoying every second of it. i so so love the season -- it brings back so many memories. memories of love, hatred, sun burns, disappointments, almost failing grades. some mundane, some trivial, but all worth going back to.

have a fab summer allessandra. and happy monthsary to my king. i love you don.