faith and things in between

i am not a very religious person. yes, yes, i went to a catholic school in grade school. i stopped going to church when i had no one to go hear a mass with. i eventually found preparing for sunday mass a drab chore -- dressing up to meet people who, however fabulous you think you are, will still find some flaw with you. either you have grown too much or your gradeschool classmates are far more successful than you are. and what else, the very next day, laman ka ng chismis sa subdivision or sa parish or sa sari-sarili nilang pamilya.

that's why i opt to pray at night before i go to sleep. no, i don't pray the rosary because it makes me sleep. i just talk to god -- thank him, say sorry for the bad things i've done and ask for guidance. i talk to god when the lights are out and everyone seems to be in deep slumber. that is how i express faith.

surprisingly though, i have attended two consecutive sunday service here in bangkok. man, of all places, sa isang buddhist country pa ako nag sisimba. maybe because church very much reminds me of home. it is something very familiar and close to heart. i sing my heart out because everyone else does. i listen to the homily and not yawn in between. i have yet to take a communion because i need to confess first. that will have to follow when i feel like it. and maybe because no one's forcing me to attend mass. i go there because i want to. i go there because i want god to know i am still in.

and i go there because i'm praying for guidance. and for my brother pao to graduate. hee.